Sunday, August 24, 2008

3 Shots

I am presently watching sunday night baseball, the dodgers and phillies are in the the 10th both having used up their bench. This prompted Jon Miller to say that it is Cal Ripken's birthday and that 25 years ago the Orioles had used up their entire bench and then Tippy Martinez came in the game and would pick off 3 batters. This is about the 8th time I have heard this story and the first time it was not told by Jim Palmer. Palmer never included the details about Cals birthday or the bench being exhausted, but will always tell you those are the only 3 batters Tippy picked off in his entire career and all were by faking to third and throwing to first. This is also the grand daddy in what I refer to as the Jim Palmer drinking game. Jim Palmer talking about himself is a sip of your drink as is referring to the 70's. Talking about the batter being in the shadow and the pitcher being in the sun is a shot as is mentioning Tippy Martinez by name. And the puke inducer is the 3 shots that must be done if Jim's "Favorite memory of Tippy" is recited, one for each runner picked off.

In case you were wondering Mr. Palmer did take a minute or two in this afternoons game to explain how hard it is to hit in the shadows when the pitcher is in the sun, and happy anniversery Tippy

Friday, August 22, 2008

The Red Sox give me the willy fingers

When I was at the Orioles-Red Sox game the other night not being the 50 millionth fan at Camden Yards a fairly unenjoyable game provided lots of little things to ponder.

For one I discovered that on Eutaw Street you can get a Jack and Coke for $6.50, the same price a bottle of domestic beer. I did not test the strength or size of this drink as I had already had a few of said domestic beers and knew that if it was a good strength I would then probably try and test mine against some God forsaken red sox fan and if it was small or weak I would just be really mad.

Had the “Who is annoying enough to get punched” contest been held, the winner would have probably been the man a few rows behind me who, after Jacoby Elsbury dove for a ball and made a chunk of grass dislodge from the turf, said at first to all his friends “hey John, Jacoby didn’t replace his divot. Hey Bobby, Jacoby didn’t replace his divot. Hey John junior, Jacoby didn’t replace his divot. Hey Ted, Jacoby didn’t replace his divot.” And then yelled “HEY JACOBY, REPLACE YOUR DIVOT”. For better or worse instead of punching the man I sarcastically yelled, “haha this is baseball not golf, haha divot, haha nine iron, haha tiger woods, haha gillete razors!”

Sometime later I began to contemplate how possible and how worthwhile it would be to train mice to run into the pants of opposing baseball players. If you had front row outfield seats you could let the mice down on the field, they could hide in the grass and at the right moment they could crawl up the player’s leg distracting them horribly. I came to the conclusion that it is definitely possible to do it, but I personally probably couldn’t do it, nor would I want to put in the time.

The only other event of the night worth reliving was when an annoying red sox boy got the attention of Elsbury as he finished warming up, he went to throw the ball to said annoying boy. My cousin and I tried our damndest to intercept the throw so we could throw it back on the field (yes this stupid kid was annoying enough to warrant this and he was old enough that we aren’t really horrible people just slightly mean). We couldn’t reach the ball but the dumb kid dropped it right off his hands and some other guy got it. As happy as this made us we were cursed to hear him whine excuses for the remaining inning of the game. Also at some point during that inning someone he knew ripped the pocket off his stupid red sox Hawaiian shirt, needless to say he also complained about that.

Oh no, I hope I didn’t just pull a Jim Palmer

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Overheard: High's Convenience Store

While in High's today waiting to purchase my lunch I overheard a somewhat sad yet hilarious conversation. A man had apparently recently broken up with his girlfriend and was discussing it with the confirmed bachelor that works the counter.

Now when I listen to a conversation I don't really give it much focus at first, whatever is really loud and I can't avoid hearing I hear. But once something funny comes down the pipe I hone in, and hone in I would.

So anyway, this guy is saying a bunch of stuff about how some women is crazy and stuff, meanwhile I contemplate which scratch-off I wish to buy. Then the cashier baited "I didn't realize you guys broke up" to which the man replied "Neither did I til 3 days before she left for Vegas...the second time". Needless to say at this point I start paying attention. "So who is this guy" the cashier, who is now attending to my purchases, asks and to my delight the story gets better, apparently, "he lived with her when she was 13 and he was 17, then her dad kicked him out of the house. Then she had some relationships, had some kids and then she got with me" Me being the guy talking to the cashier obviously. How casually this was all said can not be understated. The last nugget of hilarity to greet my ears was "I mean I understand why she left, I still think its wrong, but I made my fair share of trouble, I threw chairs, ya know" and then came possibly my favorite quote of them all "I participated in the dysfunction" Unfortunately I had to leave at this point to go eat the lunch I had come to High's for, but needless to say it was much more difficult to eat with all the laughing.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Bruschetta King

In my many travels over the last few weeks I was lucky enough to use a Burger King bathroom for a pitstop. While washing my hands I noticed a piece of artwork on the door. It was a stereotypical italian chef holding a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. Personally this made absolutly no sense. I was told that the picture in the same spot in the womens bathroom was of a bunch of babies throwing toilet paper everywhere. Creepy, yes. Out of place, no. I'm not entirely sure why that picture was there nor will I ever know as I dont remember the exact location of this Burger King but I have a couple guesses as to why it was there. Either the owner once owned, wants to at some point own, or thought he was going to own an Italian resturant. Or it was dirt cheap. Neither is a decent excuse but they would at least explain it.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Steve Holt!

In addition to being a hilarious arrested development character Steve Holt is also a Canadian vegetarian bodybuilder....yup thats pretty much it as you can't make up stuff like that.

The Game of Politics

Do you think in the history of the world a group of nazis have ever played Yahtzee? Just a thought that crossed my mind the other day. I am a personal believer in the sentiment that 'it had to have happened once'. And I will go as far as to say that when it did happen one of the nazis playing the game made a joke to the effect of "hey look its nazis playin yahtzee" or something of the like.

Having now researched the history of Yahtzee to see if the Hitler Nazis could have played I have learned commercial Yahtzee was created in 1956 while dice games of very similar rules but different names are much older one being called Yacht being traced back to 1940. So Hitler never used the words Yahtzee and nazi in the same sentence but i mean there are still nazis so it totally could have happened.