Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Fantasy Team

I'm naming my Fantasy football team "Ray Bear and the Laser Ravens" and I'm not sure which of these pictures to use. Also I need them on the interweb so ESPN can link to them.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Monday, May 17, 2010

Things I have learned while watching the Lakers-Suns Playoff game

1- The cast of TNTs Southland is not famous enough to ignore that the camera is on them and not wave into it.

2- Lebron James has played in exactly 71 Playoff Games, Kobe Bryant has scored 30 or more points in exactly 71 Playoff games.

3- Kentucky Freshman All-American John Wall enjoys watching an NBA conference semifinal game courtside to wind down after a tough week of exams. If you think the NCAA one and done rule has anything to do with student athletes you are a boob.

4- If Kobe Bryant has a chance to push you and not get called for a foul, he will push you, then probably push you again

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Everything Butt Hockey

The NHL Playoffs are in full swing, and they are in a word AMAZING. The NHL definitely takes a larger step up than any other league when they venture from the regular season into the playoffs. They're playing for the Stanley Cup, possibly the greatest trophy in sports the World Cup is the only contender in my eyes. Not to mention the beards, what a marvelous tradition that is. I could watch just about any 3rd period that's within a goal or two in its entirety, and yell at the TV while doing it. I can not give playoff hockey the endorsement it deserves.

That being said, lets see if I can ruin it. You know where this is going, we're playin' it out NHL style to see which teams mascot is the funniest when you throw the word Butt in front of it.

Whoa, timeout, Versus has intentionally scheduled the final half hour of the red wings sharks game to immediately follow the pens habs game. Pens-habs was 1-0 going into the last minute and Wings-sharks is 3-2 with 10 to go. What a great plan. Anywho...

First lets take a look at the Atlantic Division. Devils, Penguins, Flyers, Rangers and Islanders. Take a moment to say them to yourself (with Butt in front). This division has some depth but no great teams, Butt Rangers walks away with the division, some of the others have a shot at making the wild card in the east.

Northeast Division : Sabres, Senators, Bruins, Canadiens and Maple Leafs
Not a particularly strong group here, your Butt Sabres take the division, but there isn't much hope for the others.

Southeast Division: Capitals, Thrashers, Hurricanes, Lightning, and Panthers
Wow, Butt Capitals is the only team here that isn't good at all. The Butt Thrashers are the early favorite for the cup. We'll give the wild cards to the Hurricanes, Flyers, Panthers, Lightning and Penguins.

In the Western Conference, Central Division: Blackhawks, Red Wings, Predators, Blues, and Blue Jackets
If you tell me you said Butt Predators to yourself and didn't chuckle a little, well maybe there isn't anything wrong with you, but you could be having a little more fun with life.

Northwest Division: Canucks, Avalanche, Flames, Wild and Oilers
Yet another stacked division, turns out hockey wont let you down even if the playoffs have the word butt thrown in there. Oilers top the standings here.

Lastly, the Pacific Division: Sharks, Coyotes, Kings, Ducks and Stars
Not a particularly strong division, I see the Sharks taking this one, with the wild cards shaking out like this, Avalanche, Ducks, Kings, Wild, and Flames.

The outcome of the ensuing playoff bracket is shown below, and lets be honest who didn't see a Thrashers-Predators Final.

If you think different let me know, I'd love to hear someone else's input on the matter.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Random Thoughts: Tracy Morgan, Sliced Bread, and Playoff Hockey

First, now lets all be as mature as possible when I say, Tracy Morgan is either constantly drunk or mildly retarded. I mean this with no disrespect, and its not that there is anything wrong with that, well if he is constantly drunk that could be an issue, but I digress. If you have ever seen the interview he gave on some morning show in which he said something to the effect of watch out while I'm in town, somebody's gonna get pregnant, all while lifting his shirt and slapping his belly, you know where I am coming from.
Well anyway, he threw out the first pitch and was interviewed at the Oriole game tonight. He described his pitch as "A hanging fastball, or maybe it was the slider" then went on to say "I learned that when I was playing pro ball. I was with the Padres with Jose Uribe". Jim Palmer chimes in with "It's Juan Uribe" *Co*Dick*ugh*
Morgan came back with something like "when you play with him you can call him Jose". All and all it was an odd interview Palmer and Gary Thorne treated him like he was a 12 year old.

Second, why do people always say "The greatest thing since sliced bread"? It hit me today, sliced bread is just about the worst thing to make a sandwich with. Think about all the things you would rather have a sandwich on than bread. Potato roll, kaiser roll, pretzel, croissant, glazed donut, KFC is using fried chicken for bread! Greatest thing since sliced bread? Using something other than sliced bread to make a sandwich.

Lastly, playoff hockey is gripping. I can probably count the number of regular season hockey games I watch more than 90 seconds of each season on one hand. But when the playoffs roll around, something happens and the games just become riveting. The sense of urgency hits another level. Saw the Caps lose game 7 earlier tonight (I dislike the Caps) and the last 3 minutes of that game were amazing. Caps on the power play with the Goalie pulled for the final two minutes! Are you kidding me! Every shot the Canadiens took on the empty net either went wide by a few feet (these shots were saucers from the other side of the ice) and the one on net was saved by a diving Capitals player. If you have a bone in your body that thinks 'hockey might be okay I guess', watch some playoff games and you wont be sorry.
And as the greatest innovator of our time Red Green always says, keep your stick on the ice.

Oh and here is a link to that Tracy Morgan Interview here

Friday, April 2, 2010

Hot Pocket Balls

Has anyone seen the newest hot pockets creation?

The official name for them are Hot pockets Sideshots but we can all be real here, they look like balls.

The "selling point" of these things is that they are portable, and you won't get made fun of for walking around eating them. I did not realize that this was a drawback of the previous hotpockets. I feel like the normal hot pocket is already fairly portable, and I am also certain you will not get made fun of any less for walking around with a hot pocket product that looks like gentiles.

Then again another part of me is like, maybe these things are amazingly delicious. I mean how else would they actually go ahead with the idea of making them. Then again 95% of what Jim Gaffigan says about hot pockets is true, so I'm not so sure how much sense the company has for what is a good idea. Who wrote their jingle? The map from Dora the explorer?

Chances are I will never try these things unless I go to the grocery store unbelievably hungry, but if that happens my cart will already be very very full by the time I get to them in the frozen foods always is.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Fortune or No?: Part II

Same deal as Part I, is it a fortune or not or does it fall in that gray area.
*Tangent*- Whats the deal with gray and grey? I wanna say one is older English or something but you see them both all over the place. Weird. Anywho

"Indulge your ambitious nature"
Not a Fortune: Clearly just a command. No food can straight tell me what to do, unless its Jesus as a bowl of cherries.

"You will soon receive help from an unexpected source"
Fortune: Talkin' bout the future, a little mystery with this unexpected deal. I like it, solid fortune

"Give your business interests top priority next month"
Not a Fortune: Quit trying to boss me around cookie, but thanks for giving me til next month before i have to change my priorities. And tell me whats gonna happen, don't suggest what I should do.

"You will soon change your present line of work"
Fortune: Pretty obvious, I guess I'm not interested in what I do or maybe I change jobs around the first of the month...Lets be real these fortunes are fairly old, cookie you missed the mark.

"Participation in sports may lead you to a lucrative career"
Gray Area: Sounds pretty fortuney, but at the same time its also just kinda a statement. Also pretty sure I missed that boat. Panda lady musta messed up and gave me the wrong cookie.

That brings our total count to 4-2-3, Fortune - Gray Area - Not a Fortune

Monday, March 15, 2010

Everything Butt College Basketball

The NCAA tournament field was selected yesterday. This reminded me of a essay I began on what I now see is December 1st, 2009. It started out something like this...

"I have a theory regarding ESPN, and possibly its own demise. The more popular ESPN has become the more and more people they have hired. Many of these people perform unbelievably specific and often times useless tasks. The more people they hire the more pointless tasks they need to create and before you know it, they've eaten themselves alive like a confused snake.

Anyway, one of these tasks that is pointless something like 49 weeks out of the year is projecting the entire NCAA Tournament field. But guess what ESPNs Joe Lunardi cranked out 2 weeks ago...yup an entire bracket, seedings and all."

So at the time I took the bracket and decided to do something at the very worst equally as pointless. I played out the entire tourney using the mascot names. The funniest mascot name moving forward. Oh did I mention in this game you have to add the word "Butt" to the beginning of the mascot name? Cause yeah you do. (They idea stems from a Bill Simmons Mailbag, I'm not a complete nutbag) Sorry I don't have the actual schools on there, and feel free to debate a match up you think went the wrong way.

On an actual sports related note some of the choices are pretty funny. The following are some notable seeds Lunardi picked 3 months ago with the teams actual seed in parentheses. Kansas 1 (1), WVU 2 (2), Duke 2 (1), UNC 2 (NIT), UConn 4 (NIT), Syracuse 10 (1) and of course Terps 7 (4).

See below for the bracket, the only way it was readable was to break it up. Enjoy...if you are as immature as I you shall.