Monday, July 28, 2008

Puttin' the porta in porta-potty

Everyone has seen a row or ten of convicts picking up trash on the highway in their day. Always making you think "my isn't it grand how the government can make those 'people' productive". But something being carted behind them on a trailer bothered me a little. Bumpin' down the median at 4 mph was a porta-potty. Is that really necessary? How much money could be saved if we eliminated this poop pod? First of all the truck towing it would use less gas, the trailer could prolly be eliminated completely if they just threw all the weed whackers and those sticks with nails on the end in the back of the truck. Secondly you would save on the cost of buying/renting the thing and all the maintainance costs. But Chris where are they gonna go to the bathroom? Well the simple answer is if ya gotta go number one just go under the truck, and if ya gotta go number two i suggest you hold it. Thats how I imagine the guard saying it. But Chris what about the girls? All i know is I've never seen a female on one of these crews so my plan doesnt account for them, and regardless chances are the kinda lady in that situation wouldn't be too put off by goin' to the bathroom outside.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Art of the Olympiad

Was anyone else aware that from 1912 to 1948 Olympic medals were awarded for art? I had no real qualms with this until I began looking at the medal winners. Lets take the 1924 games for example. In the category of literature a Frenchman takes the gold, okay fair 'nuff hometown pick but whatever. Then the silver goes to a Dane and a Brit, wait two people cant win a medal! Then the bronze goes to both an Irishman and another Frenchie. So what did these people tell their families?
Oliver Gogarty- Hey pops! I came in fifth at the olympics
Ole Patty Gogarty- Well congradafrigginlations not even the guy infront of you actually won anything, grab a stool and a pint and quit braggin' about nothin
Oliver- Pops, I got a bronze medal
Ole Patty- Now that dont make a lick a sense, thats the last time we let the French run the Olympics. (Old man Gogarty would later die a happy man when he saw Paris' bid for the 2012 games fall just short) Barkeep get my boy a pint on me. What did you win that in son? 100 meters? Javelin?
Oliver- Literature pops
Ole Patty- Literature! Damn French.... bring me two pints and three fingers a whiskey

As if giving out more than one of each medal in a subjectively judged competition isnt bad enough, in the category of architecture there was no gold medal!
How yuppie do you have to be to just decide "You know what, I dont think anyone deserves the gold, we can have a 'winner' but just give them the silver, we'll melt down the gold and make it into halos we can where about." And in 1920 the only medal awarded for architecture was a silver! All I can say is thank goodness this yuppifest ended in 1948.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Form follows function

If it were at all fashionable for a man to carry a purse, I wouldn't leave home without one. My pockets are constantly full of stuff from car keys to pocket change to army men. Not to mention the cell phone thing. The more research thats done on them, the farther i want them away from my fellas. Plus I could carry so much more stuff around with me from my emergency packet of old bay to more army men to i dunno maybe some kind of noise makers? That purse or man's bag if you will, would be a regular bag of fun. More fun than my pockets could ever be even if I were wearing cargo pants. Plus with a bag full of all your stuff you dont have to switch said stuff from one pair of pants to another. I'm not really sure how to make such a bag fashionable but I'll support it when it happens. No homo

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Rescue 911

Things I feared as a child because I saw them on the TV show Rescue 911

House filling with Carbon Monoxide, You can't tell its there!
Accidently inhaling too much glue
Falling in the laundry chute and getting stuck
Getting my tounge stuck to the inside of the freezer
Having a snake crawl up through the toilet while I am on it, wait now that I think about it I think that was an episode of MacGyver

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The Three Stooges vs. The US Government

The highlights of my eighth grade report comparing the three stooges to the three branches of United States government

Moe- The executive branch as he is the leader

Larry- The Judicial branch because Supreme Court Justicies serve for life as did Larry as a stooge

Shemp and Curly- The Legislative branch as the senate and house split that role just as Shemp and Curly shared the role of the third stooge (I would later in my life learn there were infact more "third stooges" including Joe and Joe Curly)

The stooges sense of humor is their constitution as it is what holds them together

The government has a system of checks and balances as do the stooges (hitting each other)

The stooges have no political motives whatsoever

There was more but it is less funny and more informative thus I shall not repeat it

Thursday, July 3, 2008


Doing as I often do while bored, I was reading literally random articles on wikipedia when I stubbled upon that of Andre 3000. I was surprised to learn that his child's name is Seven. This naturally made me wonder is he a Mickey Mantle fan or a Seinfeld fan, or I suppose its possible he is both. In trying to determine the answer I found my way onto the page of Erykah Badu where I did not find the answer but did find she has another child named Puma Rose. Dear God. While quite the BA name her fate is sealed as becoming one sassy sassy black lady. With really long purple fingernails and a bitchslap that answers to no one. Im gonna stop imagining this girls future before I wet myself with fear

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Whats more fun than a monkey?

I have always wanted to have a pet monkey, I mean who wouldnt want one. It would be like owning a tiny hairy person who does lots of hilarious things. And how many living creatures only get funnier when you put clothes on them? The answer is not many but monkeys are defintely one of them.

Anyway, I decided to look into renting a monkey for a day. This would free me of the responsiblities of caring for a primate messier than myself while still allowing me to have some fun. We could go for rides in my car, dress him like a cowboy and teach him to ride my dog, have a watermelon eating contest, play catch, man a monkey would be nothing but fun.

Unfortunately being I am a regular person and not some Hollywood type shooting a movie I do not have access to such rent-a-monkey programs. Or at least could not find one on the interweb over the last couple of days. And to buy a monkey its like nine grand! So it appears my dreams of monkey fun wont be fulfilled anytime soon...unless of course the jamaicans hold an answer.