When I was at the Orioles-Red Sox game the other night not being the 50 millionth fan at Camden Yards a fairly unenjoyable game provided lots of little things to ponder.
For one I discovered that on Eutaw Street you can get a Jack and Coke for $6.50, the same price a bottle of domestic beer. I did not test the strength or size of this drink as I had already had a few of said domestic beers and knew that if it was a good strength I would then probably try and test mine against some God forsaken red sox fan and if it was small or weak I would just be really mad.
Had the “Who is annoying enough to get punched” contest been held, the winner would have probably been the man a few rows behind me who, after Jacoby Elsbury dove for a ball and made a chunk of grass dislodge from the turf, said at first to all his friends “hey John, Jacoby didn’t replace his divot. Hey Bobby, Jacoby didn’t replace his divot. Hey John junior, Jacoby didn’t replace his divot. Hey Ted, Jacoby didn’t replace his divot.” And then yelled “HEY JACOBY, REPLACE YOUR DIVOT”. For better or worse instead of punching the man I sarcastically yelled, “haha this is baseball not golf, haha divot, haha nine iron, haha tiger woods, haha gillete razors!”
Sometime later I began to contemplate how possible and how worthwhile it would be to train mice to run into the pants of opposing baseball players. If you had front row outfield seats you could let the mice down on the field, they could hide in the grass and at the right moment they could crawl up the player’s leg distracting them horribly. I came to the conclusion that it is definitely possible to do it, but I personally probably couldn’t do it, nor would I want to put in the time.
The only other event of the night worth reliving was when an annoying red sox boy got the attention of Elsbury as he finished warming up, he went to throw the ball to said annoying boy. My cousin and I tried our damndest to intercept the throw so we could throw it back on the field (yes this stupid kid was annoying enough to warrant this and he was old enough that we aren’t really horrible people just slightly mean). We couldn’t reach the ball but the dumb kid dropped it right off his hands and some other guy got it. As happy as this made us we were cursed to hear him whine excuses for the remaining inning of the game. Also at some point during that inning someone he knew ripped the pocket off his stupid red sox Hawaiian shirt, needless to say he also complained about that.
Oh no, I hope I didn’t just pull a Jim Palmer