Tales of the Baltimore Light Rail

I was riding the light rail downtown last summer when I heard the yell some dread. "Everyone get your tickets out!" The officer strolled to the front of the car and spoke up again "Ticket Check!" Being the good citizen I am, I had nothing to fear as I purchased a round trip ticket before hopping on board.

There were about 20 people on the train, enough that someone probably didn't have a ticket, and few enough that I should be able to hear the argument that may transpire, the perfect scenario.

The female officer worked her way back from the front of the car, reading tickets from extended arms, "Thank you...Thank you...Thank you" she said quietly. She was checking tickets in the row behind me when it happened. A boy and a girl, both college aged had but one ticket between them.

"I have a round trip ticket, can we just say this is the same as two one way tickets?" He pleaded.

"No", the officer snapped back, "one of you is going to have to get off at the next stop and buy another ticket." She continued to work the train checking for tickets. Disappointed at the lack of an altercation I went back to looking out the window. The ticket shy pair talked quietly for a bit as the train came to the next stop. The girl walked past to the front of the car and went out the door.

I turned to see the boy still sitting in his window seat peering to the front of the car as a middle-aged woman behind me advised him, "She's not gonna have time to buy a ticket and get back on the train." Only then did I really put all the pieces together and I became instantly more intrigued by this couple.

Thinking to myself 'That was awfully naive of them, they must be younger or dumber than I originally thought', the boy replied to the woman, "Oh I know, she's just gonna catch the next train and catch up to me." Younger than I thought, maybe not, dumber than I thought, definitely.

Now I'm fully invested, who were these people? What was their relation? Where were they going? What possible situation made it okay for the guy to leave this girl behind in downtown Baltimore?

The fact that they were both wearing matching blue T-shirts with only the Chevy logo on them now becomes much more important in my thought process. Were they on their way to some kind of volunteer work and were late? Regardless the boy should have gotten off and let the girl go ahead. While my mind is racing for a reasonable explanation the train comes to a stop, I had to get off. When I stood to leave, SO DID THE BOY! The girl got off at the previous stop literally 2 blocks away, where for some reason she was in line to buy a ticket. Why on earth didn't they just both get off and walk. I can not think of an acceptable reason for the young man to ditch his female companion. The best case for him is he was trying to get dumped for some reason. But if that was the case, how was he convinced to where the exact same shirt as her? And she must be pretty firmly under his thumb if she accepted being the one to get off the train so quickly, so I'm not sure he was looking for an exit strategy.

Whatever the explanation was, I will sadly never know, but people will never cease to amaze me.

Fortune of No?: Part III

Haven't written anything in a while, so here's an easy one to get back in the swing.

"You love the spotlight - Become an Entertainer"
Not a Fortune: A terrible trend in fortune cookie writing. I will predict something about you - then tell you what you should do because of it.


"The respect of influential people will soon be yours"
Fortune: And a pretty decent one at that. Although I guess respect doesn't really mean wealth or success.


"You know what you want - go for it"
Not a Fortune: You are getting very lazy 'fortune' writers - try writing a fortune including the phrase 'you will'


Running Tally - 5-2-5 (Fortune-Gray Area-Not a Fortune)

Fantasy Team

I'm naming my Fantasy football team "Ray Bear and the Laser Ravens" and I'm not sure which of these pictures to use. Also I need them on the interweb so ESPN can link to them.

Attributes in which I am better than Ghandi

Hair Growth

Eyesight

Appetite

Things I have learned while watching the Lakers-Suns Playoff game

1- The cast of TNTs Southland is not famous enough to ignore that the camera is on them and not wave into it.

2- Lebron James has played in exactly 71 Playoff Games, Kobe Bryant has scored 30 or more points in exactly 71 Playoff games.

3- Kentucky Freshman All-American John Wall enjoys watching an NBA conference semifinal game courtside to wind down after a tough week of exams. If you think the NCAA one and done rule has anything to do with student athletes you are a boob.

4- If Kobe Bryant has a chance to push you and not get called for a foul, he will push you, then probably push you again

Everything Butt Hockey

The NHL Playoffs are in full swing, and they are in a word AMAZING. The NHL definitely takes a larger step up than any other league when they venture from the regular season into the playoffs. They're playing for the Stanley Cup, possibly the greatest trophy in sports the World Cup is the only contender in my eyes. Not to mention the beards, what a marvelous tradition that is. I could watch just about any 3rd period that's within a goal or two in its entirety, and yell at the TV while doing it. I can not give playoff hockey the endorsement it deserves.


That being said, lets see if I can ruin it. You know where this is going, we're playin' it out NHL style to see which teams mascot is the funniest when you throw the word Butt in front of it.


Whoa, timeout, Versus has intentionally scheduled the final half hour of the red wings sharks game to immediately follow the pens habs game. Pens-habs was 1-0 going into the last minute and Wings-sharks is 3-2 with 10 to go. What a great plan. Anywho...


First lets take a look at the Atlantic Division. Devils, Penguins, Flyers, Rangers and Islanders. Take a moment to say them to yourself (with Butt in front). This division has some depth but no great teams, Butt Rangers walks away with the division, some of the others have a shot at making the wild card in the east.


Northeast Division : Sabres, Senators, Bruins, Canadiens and Maple Leafs
Not a particularly strong group here, your Butt Sabres take the division, but there isn't much hope for the others.


Southeast Division: Capitals, Thrashers, Hurricanes, Lightning, and Panthers
Wow, Butt Capitals is the only team here that isn't good at all. The Butt Thrashers are the early favorite for the cup. We'll give the wild cards to the Hurricanes, Flyers, Panthers, Lightning and Penguins.


In the Western Conference, Central Division: Blackhawks, Red Wings, Predators, Blues, and Blue Jackets
If you tell me you said Butt Predators to yourself and didn't chuckle a little, well maybe there isn't anything wrong with you, but you could be having a little more fun with life.


Northwest Division: Canucks, Avalanche, Flames, Wild and Oilers
Yet another stacked division, turns out hockey wont let you down even if the playoffs have the word butt thrown in there. Oilers top the standings here.


Lastly, the Pacific Division: Sharks, Coyotes, Kings, Ducks and Stars
Not a particularly strong division, I see the Sharks taking this one, with the wild cards shaking out like this, Avalanche, Ducks, Kings, Wild, and Flames.

The outcome of the ensuing playoff bracket is shown below, and lets be honest who didn't see a Thrashers-Predators Final.

If you think different let me know, I'd love to hear someone else's input on the matter.

Random Thoughts: Tracy Morgan, Sliced Bread, and Playoff Hockey

First, now lets all be as mature as possible when I say, Tracy Morgan is either constantly drunk or mildly retarded. I mean this with no disrespect, and its not that there is anything wrong with that, well if he is constantly drunk that could be an issue, but I digress. If you have ever seen the interview he gave on some morning show in which he said something to the effect of watch out while I'm in town, somebody's gonna get pregnant, all while lifting his shirt and slapping his belly, you know where I am coming from.
Well anyway, he threw out the first pitch and was interviewed at the Oriole game tonight. He described his pitch as "A hanging fastball, or maybe it was the slider" then went on to say "I learned that when I was playing pro ball. I was with the Padres with Jose Uribe". Jim Palmer chimes in with "It's Juan Uribe" *Co*Dick*ugh*
Morgan came back with something like "when you play with him you can call him Jose". All and all it was an odd interview Palmer and Gary Thorne treated him like he was a 12 year old.

Second, why do people always say "The greatest thing since sliced bread"? It hit me today, sliced bread is just about the worst thing to make a sandwich with. Think about all the things you would rather have a sandwich on than bread. Potato roll, kaiser roll, pretzel, croissant, glazed donut, KFC is using fried chicken for bread! Greatest thing since sliced bread? Using something other than sliced bread to make a sandwich.

Lastly, playoff hockey is gripping. I can probably count the number of regular season hockey games I watch more than 90 seconds of each season on one hand. But when the playoffs roll around, something happens and the games just become riveting. The sense of urgency hits another level. Saw the Caps lose game 7 earlier tonight (I dislike the Caps) and the last 3 minutes of that game were amazing. Caps on the power play with the Goalie pulled for the final two minutes! Are you kidding me! Every shot the Canadiens took on the empty net either went wide by a few feet (these shots were saucers from the other side of the ice) and the one on net was saved by a diving Capitals player. If you have a bone in your body that thinks 'hockey might be okay I guess', watch some playoff games and you wont be sorry.
And as the greatest innovator of our time Red Green always says, keep your stick on the ice.

Oh and here is a link to that Tracy Morgan Interview here

Hot Pocket Balls

Has anyone seen the newest hot pockets creation?

The official name for them are Hot pockets Sideshots but we can all be real here, they look like balls.

The "selling point" of these things is that they are portable, and you won't get made fun of for walking around eating them. I did not realize that this was a drawback of the previous hotpockets. I feel like the normal hot pocket is already fairly portable, and I am also certain you will not get made fun of any less for walking around with a hot pocket product that looks like gentiles.

Then again another part of me is like, maybe these things are amazingly delicious. I mean how else would they actually go ahead with the idea of making them. Then again 95% of what Jim Gaffigan says about hot pockets is true, so I'm not so sure how much sense the company has for what is a good idea. Who wrote their jingle? The map from Dora the explorer?

Chances are I will never try these things unless I go to the grocery store unbelievably hungry, but if that happens my cart will already be very very full by the time I get to them in the frozen foods aisle...it always is.

Fortune or No?: Part II

Same deal as Part I, is it a fortune or not or does it fall in that gray area.
*Tangent*- Whats the deal with gray and grey? I wanna say one is older English or something but you see them both all over the place. Weird. Anywho

"Indulge your ambitious nature"
Not a Fortune: Clearly just a command. No food can straight tell me what to do, unless its Jesus as a bowl of cherries.

"You will soon receive help from an unexpected source"
Fortune: Talkin' bout the future, a little mystery with this unexpected deal. I like it, solid fortune

"Give your business interests top priority next month"
Not a Fortune: Quit trying to boss me around cookie, but thanks for giving me til next month before i have to change my priorities. And tell me whats gonna happen, don't suggest what I should do.

"You will soon change your present line of work"
Fortune: Pretty obvious, I guess I'm not interested in what I do or maybe I change jobs around the first of the month...Lets be real these fortunes are fairly old, cookie you missed the mark.

"Participation in sports may lead you to a lucrative career"
Gray Area: Sounds pretty fortuney, but at the same time its also just kinda a statement. Also pretty sure I missed that boat. Panda lady musta messed up and gave me the wrong cookie.

That brings our total count to 4-2-3, Fortune - Gray Area - Not a Fortune

Everything Butt College Basketball

The NCAA tournament field was selected yesterday. This reminded me of a essay I began on what I now see is December 1st, 2009. It started out something like this...

"I have a theory regarding ESPN, and possibly its own demise. The more popular ESPN has become the more and more people they have hired. Many of these people perform unbelievably specific and often times useless tasks. The more people they hire the more pointless tasks they need to create and before you know it, they've eaten themselves alive like a confused snake.

Anyway, one of these tasks that is pointless something like 49 weeks out of the year is projecting the entire NCAA Tournament field. But guess what ESPNs Joe Lunardi cranked out 2 weeks ago...yup an entire bracket, seedings and all."

So at the time I took the bracket and decided to do something at the very worst equally as pointless. I played out the entire tourney using the mascot names. The funniest mascot name moving forward. Oh did I mention in this game you have to add the word "Butt" to the beginning of the mascot name? Cause yeah you do. (They idea stems from a Bill Simmons Mailbag, I'm not a complete nutbag) Sorry I don't have the actual schools on there, and feel free to debate a match up you think went the wrong way.

On an actual sports related note some of the choices are pretty funny. The following are some notable seeds Lunardi picked 3 months ago with the teams actual seed in parentheses. Kansas 1 (1), WVU 2 (2), Duke 2 (1), UNC 2 (NIT), UConn 4 (NIT), Syracuse 10 (1) and of course Terps 7 (4).

See below for the bracket, the only way it was readable was to break it up. Enjoy...if you are as immature as I you shall.

The Hamburglar is afoot

If you go to McDonalds and order off the dollar menu you may notice a strange burger called the McDouble. I know what you are thinking, and yes the double cheese burger was formerly on the dollar menu. Now it appears slightly above said dollar menu as a regular ole sandwich that costs a whopping $1.19. What is the difference between these two burgers besides a sizable 20 cents? Today I got to the bottom of the mystery, I had an idea as to what the answer would be, and I'm said to say my inkling was correct.

The McDouble is constructed from bottom to top of bun, beef pattie, slice of cheese, beef pattie, two pickle slices, mustard, ketchup and diced onion capped off with a regular bun.

The more robust Double Cheeseburger consisted of bun, beef pattie, slice of cheese, beef pattie, a second slice of cheese, two pickle slices, mustard, ketchup and diced onions capped off with a regular bun.

That's correct the only difference between a Double Cheeseburger and a McDouble is a slice of cheese. 20 cents for a slice of cheese! Ridiculous.

Fortune or No? : Part I

As some of you know one of my pet peeves, in addition to people saying they are "peeved", is when I get a fortune cookie only to find there is no fortune to be told. Not that there is no slip of paper, but the slip of paper projects no fortune upon me. Often times it is some nugget of wisdom, but a wisdom cookie it is not. I don't care what Confucius say unless its something like "You will trip on a canine before the next dawn"

I've been hangin' on to my "fortunes" for a little while in an attempt to tally just how many fortune cookies aren't what they claim to be. I have divided them into 3 categories, Fortune, Not a Fortune, and a third gray area category I am yet to come up with a decent name for.

So lets get to it, all of these come to us from Panda Express.

"Your kindness will lead you to success"
Verdict: Gray area: While it does sorta predict success in the future, its more wisdom than anything.

"A sudden change in plans will lead you to good fortunes"
Fortune: Now you may be saying that's just like the first one, what gives? The key is that it predicts the future and nothing else. A sudden change in plans is unknown, the kindness I already have (not a word, I can be nice and you know it).

"Chances of glamour and excitement are coming to you"
Fortune: While it could be a lot more bold, chances c'mon now cookie, it is obviously taking a stab at predicting the future. Ooh excitement I can't wait!

And lastly, "You create enthusiasm around you"
Not a Fortune: Clearly, it's just a statement of fact. Well I don't know if fact is the right word but still no prediction there.

So the count at the moment is 2-1-1, fortune - gray area - not a fortune, more to come later.

Spare a thought

I was forwarded an email a few weeks ago that really made an impact on me. I didn't forward it to anyone at the time because I wasn't sure of anyone I knew that wasn't on the list of recipients with me that would be interested. The following story, written by someone I don't know but I'm glad they shared it, should be of interest to everyone. It says a lot about society today, and about how sometimes our priorities can get out of sorts. So please take a minute and read this story, think about whats really important, and honor a deserving man even if it's just with a thought.

"One of the "Band of Brother" soldiers died on June 17, 2009.

We're hearing a lot today about big splashy memorial services.

I want a nationwide memorial service for Darrell "Shifty" Powers.

Shifty volunteered for the airborne in WWII and served with Easy Company of the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, part of the 101st Airborne Infantry.

If you've seen Band of Brothers on HBO or the History Channel, you know Shifty. His character appears in all 10 episodes, and Shifty himself is interviewed in several of them.

I met Shifty in the Philadelphia airport several years ago. I didn't know who he was at the time. I just saw an elderly gentleman having trouble reading his ticket. I offered to help, assured him he was at the right gate, and noticed the "Screaming Eagle", the symbol of the 101st Airborne, on his hat.

Making conversation, I asked him if he'd been in the 101st Airborne, or if his son was serving. He said quietly that he had been in the 101st. I thanked him for his service, then asked him when he served, and how many jumps he made.

Quietly and humbly, he said, "Well, I guess I signed up in 1941 or so, and was in until sometime in 1945..." at which point my heart skipped.

At that point, again, very humbly, he said, "I made the 5 training jumps at Toccoa, and then jumped into Normandy...do you know where Normandy is?"

At this point my heart stopped.

I told him yes, I know exactly where Normandy was and I know what D-Day was.

At that point he said "I also made a second jump into Holland, into Arnhem."

I was standing with a genuine war hero...and then I realized that it was June, just after the anniversary of D-Day.

I asked Shifty if he was on his way back from France, and he said, "Yes. And it's real sad because these days so few of the guys are left, and those that are, lots of them can't make the trip." My heart was in my throat and I didn't know what to say.

I helped Shifty get onto the plane and then realized he was back in Coach, while I was in First Class. I sent the flight attendant back to get him and said that I wanted to switch seats. When Shifty came forward, I got up out of the seat and told him I wanted him to have it, that I'd take his in coach.

He said, "No, son, you enjoy that seat. Just knowing that there are still some who remember what we did and still care enough to make an old man very happy." His eyes were filling up as he said it. And mine are brimming up now as I write this.

Shifty died on June 17th after fighting cancer.

There was no parade.

No big event in Staples Center.

No wall-to-wall, back-to-back, 24x7 news coverage.

No weeping fans on television.

And that's not right."

I don't know how I can add to this man's story, but I'm gonna try. I told this story to two people, and both times it was difficult to fight back tears. I can be get pretty emotional, but I hope this story meant something to you to.

The word hero is thrown around fairly quickly by people today, often in the sports world. Not to say sports doesn't have its heroic figures. Jackie Robinson and Roberto Clemente are two of the most influential people since World War II. But most heroes never really get their due. Many don't ask to be celebrated. All the more reason we should take some time to remember what they have done.

The worst commentary on the 40th anniversary of the moon landing

If you saw the news or virtually any television program yesterday you know that it was the 40th anniversary of the first time man set foot on the moon, if you believe that actually happened but that's a whole other discussion. While my parents and others were reminded of where they were when they saw it, I was reminded of one of my favorite stupid questions to ask people.

If only you and an animal were going to travel into space together, what animal would you take with you? Feel free to think of your own answer before reading mine.

I feel there are two schools of thought hear. One, choose something fun or comfortable, your pet for example. Or two, choose something practical. I have personally narrowed it down to two animals.

I think it would be nice to bring a penguin with me. A classy bird, always a plus when spending a lot of time in close quarters. But the real reason I'd take the ole tuxedo with me is so that he would have a chance to see what its like to fly.

My other choice is the obvious one. Clearly gotta go monkey. This is the ultimate combination of fun and practicality. Like a station wagon with a hemi in it, wait that exists, why can't America sell cars! Anyway, monkeys are pretty goshdarn smart and could be trained to help you do stuff in space, and whats more fun than a monkey? Monkeys have actually been in space right? Or was that just a cartoon show?

Either way my choice is monkey with penguin being the runner up. Who would you take into space with you?

Remember: Power Rangers

More specifically Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, I don't know much about all these other ones, my little cousin tells me there is some sort of wild west power rangers.

The only reason I mention this is a thought I had today. Does anyone else looking back on it find it at least a little bit terrible that the black ranger was black, and the yellow ranger was asian?

Also note upon researching the subject, when the yellow and black rangers were replaced, the black ranger was an asian guy and the yellow ranger was a black girl. Weird.

We talkin' bout flea market...Montgomery

Moments ago on the Office, Ryan was watching an internet video. If you've seen it before you probably recognized it as it is the hilarious Flea Market Montgomery commercial. If you have not seen it view it here. You will not be disappointed.

Michael Strahan is a genius

I just saw a subway commercial where former NFL player Michael Strahan is making a sub for someone when a "real" subway employee tells him there is no roast beef on an Italian BMT. He stares at her like the large human being he is and she walks away. Then the commercial just goes on to push the 5 dollar foot longs some more. Now I'm aware the BMT lacks roast beef, thats what I get like 70% of the time I go to subway, but if you are going to tease me with it in the commercial you better tell me how I can get it. I'm sitting here expecting them to tell me "GUESS WHAT! YOU can add an extra meat to any 5 dollar foot long at no additional cost! THATS RIGHT! We made this deal better!" No instead all I learned was that a deal that I'm fairly certain never left, not only came back but is now... still here. Lame. At least they didnt play that stupid jingle I hate.

My basic cable show is better than yours!

The Daily show interview Jon Stewart did with Jim Cramer of Mad Money just re-aired. If you have not seen it I encourage you to watch it on comedycentral.com. I however suggest you take this interview with a grain of salt and not judge Cramer purely on this if you know nothing else about him besides he is the guy that yells about stocks.

I must admit that I am a fan of Cramer's and think he is very attuned to this country as a whole economically. In general I think he is a pretty smart guy. I also must admit that I am not that big a fan of Jon Stewart. He can be funny sure, but often times when he gets all serious i just want to roll my eyes at him. Feel free to report the news, try and get the scoop or whatever, but its the holier-than-thou attitude he sometimes projects that bothers me. Aside from college aged liberals (probably the majority of my audience) I'm not sure there are many people who care what his opinions actually are.

So I guess that brings me to why I decided to comment on this interview. To be completely honest I thought Jon Stewart's interview of Jim Cramer was unprofessional. He goes on a number of accusational rants which baring the approval of an English Major, (aren't you glad I've provided you a use for that...I kid I kid) I'm pretty sure weren't questions. Cramer lets him finish his "questions" and then usually started in on an "answer" which i guess is better labeled a rebuttal. To which he was often interrupted by Stewart so he could either go on another rant or run one of many clips he had from one poorly shot interview from a few years back. And although he at several points tries to say it isn't about Cramer but about CNBC and the financial district in general, he uses the videos pretty douchely. Calling out clip numbers off note cards, like a kid checking off his list on Christmas morning, at one point one right after another as if to just say "GOTCHA!" I didn't take a stop watch to it or anything but it seemed to me Stewart was talking a large majority of the time. One point I chose to pay enough attention to Cramer spoke for 30 seconds of a 4 minute span. Not exactly a great interview when the guest just gets the best seat for a monologue from the host.

The last thing that got under my skin a little was that Stewart dropped the eff bomb three separate times. I'm not saying he isn't allowed to curse on his show, but when you are grilling someone about how they should take their role as a news person more seriously, you probably shouldn't just yell expletives while you go on emotional rants.

Anyway, I guess the moral of this story is think for yourself and dont just take one persons views for the only way to see things.

Then again who doesn't like dancing girls?

As many of you know I am in fact a Republican. But I have been trying to give President Obama the benefit of the doubt whenever I can. Some people have put a little too much faith in him in my opinion. Not to get all political and whatnot but this was an ad that was on my instant messenger.

Yes that is an ad for "LowerMyBills.com" which I must say I in no way support in that I know nothing about the site. All I know is that it is great that "Obama is the New President" and they like digital dancing girls.

Now again I'll be as happy as anyone if Obama can fix the problems of this country, but in the word of my former roommate, really? This just reminds me of that lady at the convention I believe who went on that rant about how Obama was gonna give her a car and pay her mortgage and bring back Jesus for an unprecedented third coming. Sadly we did not transform into some sort of utopia, and chances are clicking that button will do nothing for you bills.

Somewhere in there I lost track of my point, but I think what I'm trying to say is its okay to have faith, but its not okay to just stop thinking and trust that someone will fix everything for you.

p.s. this was supposed to be funny, but took an oddly serious tone. I apologize for this as I plan on it not happening for quite some time.

You know what's a fun game? Q*bert

Q*bert was this awesome game for Regular Nintendo and at the arcade (sidenote it's kinda funny how commonly it is referred to as "regular nintendo" when that isn't at all its real name. Like I kinda wanna be a history snob to the point I call WWI the Great War. Anyway...) and when you died in the game he made this weird computerized noise and a talk bubble popped up where he said something to the effect of "%@&#". This will all make sense in a few moments.

For the season o' Lent in addition to giving up chips I am attempting to stop using curse words. Earlier today I found myself wishing I could train myself to make that Q*bert computer noise. So the following is a list of things I used expletives toward and or about today...yes I'm aware I have a problem hence the trying to fix it.

Morning
AutoCad
Carrier HAP (A computer program I use at work)
Timesheets
Coworker
Self
AutoCad
CAPS Lock
Bartender at TGIFridays
Rain

There are probably other things that I forgot but yeah. So apparently if I didn't use a computer I would be a much less angry person.