Writing because I can

Tales of the Baltimore Light Rail

2011-03-16T22:00:00.000-04:00

I was riding the light rail downtown last summer when I heard the yell some dread. "Everyone get your tickets out!" The officer strolled to the front of the car and spoke up again "Ticket Check!" Being the good citizen I am, I had nothing to fear as I purchased a round trip ticket before hopping on board.

There were about 20 people on the train, enough that someone probably didn't have a ticket, and few enough that I should be able to hear the argument that may transpire, the perfect scenario.

The female officer worked her way back from the front of the car, reading tickets from extended arms, "Thank you...Thank you...Thank you" she said quietly. She was checking tickets in the row behind me when it happened. A boy and a girl, both college aged had but one ticket between them.

"I have a round trip ticket, can we just say this is the same as two one way tickets?" He pleaded.

"No", the officer snapped back, "one of you is going to have to get off at the next stop and buy another ticket." She continued to work the train checking for tickets. Disappointed at the lack of an altercation I went back to looking out the window. The ticket shy pair talked quietly for a bit as the train came to the next stop. The girl walked past to the front of the car and went out the door.

I turned to see the boy still sitting in his window seat peering to the front of the car as a middle-aged woman behind me advised him, "She's not gonna have time to buy a ticket and get back on the train." Only then did I really put all the pieces together and I became instantly more intrigued by this couple.

Thinking to myself 'That was awfully naive of them, they must be younger or dumber than I originally thought', the boy replied to the woman, "Oh I know, she's just gonna catch the next train and catch up to me." Younger than I thought, maybe not, dumber than I thought, definitely.

Now I'm fully invested, who were these people? What was their relation? Where were they going? What possible situation made it okay for the guy to leave this girl behind in downtown Baltimore?

The fact that they were both wearing matching blue T-shirts with only the Chevy logo on them now becomes much more important in my thought process. Were they on their way to some kind of volunteer work and were late? Regardless the boy should have gotten off and let the girl go ahead. While my mind is racing for a reasonable explanation the train comes to a stop, I had to get off. When I stood to leave, SO DID THE BOY! The girl got off at the previous stop literally 2 blocks away, where for some reason she was in line to buy a ticket. Why on earth didn't they just both get off and walk. I can not think of an acceptable reason for the young man to ditch his female companion. The best case for him is he was trying to get dumped for some reason. But if that was the case, how was he convinced to where the exact same shirt as her? And she must be pretty firmly under his thumb if she accepted being the one to get off the train so quickly, so I'm not sure he was looking for an exit strategy.

Whatever the explanation was, I will sadly never know, but people will never cease to amaze me.

Fortune of No?: Part III

2011-02-05T22:52:00.001-05:00

Haven't written anything in a while, so here's an easy one to get back in the swing.

"You love the spotlight - Become an Entertainer"
Not a Fortune: A terrible trend in fortune cookie writing. I will predict something about you - then tell you what you should do because of it.

"The respect of influential people will soon be yours"
Fortune: And a pretty decent one at that. Although I guess respect doesn't really mean wealth or success.

"You know what you want - go for it"
Not a Fortune: You are getting very lazy 'fortune' writers - try writing a fortune including the phrase 'you will'

Running Tally - 5-2-5 (Fortune-Gray Area-Not a Fortune)

Fantasy Team

2010-09-15T22:08:00.003-04:00

I'm naming my Fantasy football team "Ray Bear and the Laser Ravens" and I'm not sure which of these pictures to use. Also I need them on the interweb so ESPN can link to them.

Attributes in which I am better than Ghandi

2010-06-09T20:51:00.002-04:00

Hair Growth

Eyesight

Appetite

Things I have learned while watching the Lakers-Suns Playoff game

2010-05-17T22:58:00.003-04:00

1- The cast of TNTs Southland is not famous enough to ignore that the camera is on them and not wave into it.

2- Lebron James has played in exactly 71 Playoff Games, Kobe Bryant has scored 30 or more points in exactly 71 Playoff games.

3- Kentucky Freshman All-American John Wall enjoys watching an NBA conference semifinal game courtside to wind down after a tough week of exams. If you think the NCAA one and done rule has anything to do with student athletes you are a boob.

4- If Kobe Bryant has a chance to push you and not get called for a foul, he will push you, then probably push you again

Everything Butt Hockey

2010-05-04T21:57:00.001-04:00

The NHL Playoffs are in full swing, and they are in a word AMAZING. The NHL definitely takes a larger step up than any other league when they venture from the regular season into the playoffs. They're playing for the Stanley Cup, possibly the greatest trophy in sports the World Cup is the only contender in my eyes. Not to mention the beards, what a marvelous tradition that is. I could watch just about any 3rd period that's within a goal or two in its entirety, and yell at the TV while doing it. I can not give playoff hockey the endorsement it deserves.

That being said, lets see if I can ruin it. You know where this is going, we're playin' it out NHL style to see which teams mascot is the funniest when you throw the word Butt in front of it.

Whoa, timeout, Versus has intentionally scheduled the final half hour of the red wings sharks game to immediately follow the pens habs game. Pens-habs was 1-0 going into the last minute and Wings-sharks is 3-2 with 10 to go. What a great plan. Anywho...

First lets take a look at the Atlantic Division. Devils, Penguins, Flyers, Rangers and Islanders. Take a moment to say them to yourself (with Butt in front). This division has some depth but no great teams, Butt Rangers walks away with the division, some of the others have a shot at making the wild card in the east.

Northeast Division : Sabres, Senators, Bruins, Canadiens and Maple Leafs
Not a particularly strong group here, your Butt Sabres take the division, but there isn't much hope for the others.

Southeast Division: Capitals, Thrashers, Hurricanes, Lightning, and Panthers
Wow, Butt Capitals is the only team here that isn't good at all. The Butt Thrashers are the early favorite for the cup. We'll give the wild cards to the Hurricanes, Flyers, Panthers, Lightning and Penguins.

In the Western Conference, Central Division: Blackhawks, Red Wings, Predators, Blues, and Blue Jackets
If you tell me you said Butt Predators to yourself and didn't chuckle a little, well maybe there isn't anything wrong with you, but you could be having a little more fun with life.

Northwest Division: Canucks, Avalanche, Flames, Wild and Oilers
Yet another stacked division, turns out hockey wont let you down even if the playoffs have the word butt thrown in there. Oilers top the standings here.

Lastly, the Pacific Division: Sharks, Coyotes, Kings, Ducks and Stars
Not a particularly strong division, I see the Sharks taking this one, with the wild cards shaking out like this, Avalanche, Ducks, Kings, Wild, and Flames.

The outcome of the ensuing playoff bracket is shown below, and lets be honest who didn't see a Thrashers-Predators Final.

If you think different let me know, I'd love to hear someone else's input on the matter.

Random Thoughts: Tracy Morgan, Sliced Bread, and Playoff Hockey

2010-04-28T21:58:00.003-04:00

First, now lets all be as mature as possible when I say, Tracy Morgan is either constantly drunk or mildly retarded. I mean this with no disrespect, and its not that there is anything wrong with that, well if he is constantly drunk that could be an issue, but I digress. If you have ever seen the interview he gave on some morning show in which he said something to the effect of watch out while I'm in town, somebody's gonna get pregnant, all while lifting his shirt and slapping his belly, you know where I am coming from.
Well anyway, he threw out the first pitch and was interviewed at the Oriole game tonight. He described his pitch as "A hanging fastball, or maybe it was the slider" then went on to say "I learned that when I was playing pro ball. I was with the Padres with Jose Uribe". Jim Palmer chimes in with "It's Juan Uribe" *Co*Dick*ugh*
Morgan came back with something like "when you play with him you can call him Jose". All and all it was an odd interview Palmer and Gary Thorne treated him like he was a 12 year old.

Second, why do people always say "The greatest thing since sliced bread"? It hit me today, sliced bread is just about the worst thing to make a sandwich with. Think about all the things you would rather have a sandwich on than bread. Potato roll, kaiser roll, pretzel, croissant, glazed donut, KFC is using fried chicken for bread! Greatest thing since sliced bread? Using something other than sliced bread to make a sandwich.

Lastly, playoff hockey is gripping. I can probably count the number of regular season hockey games I watch more than 90 seconds of each season on one hand. But when the playoffs roll around, something happens and the games just become riveting. The sense of urgency hits another level. Saw the Caps lose game 7 earlier tonight (I dislike the Caps) and the last 3 minutes of that game were amazing. Caps on the power play with the Goalie pulled for the final two minutes! Are you kidding me! Every shot the Canadiens took on the empty net either went wide by a few feet (these shots were saucers from the other side of the ice) and the one on net was saved by a diving Capitals player. If you have a bone in your body that thinks 'hockey might be okay I guess', watch some playoff games and you wont be sorry.
And as the greatest innovator of our time Red Green always says, keep your stick on the ice.

Oh and here is a link to that Tracy Morgan Interview here

Hot Pocket Balls

2010-04-02T20:53:00.000-04:00

Has anyone seen the newest hot pockets creation?

The official name for them are Hot pockets Sideshots but we can all be real here, they look like balls.

The "selling point" of these things is that they are portable, and you won't get made fun of for walking around eating them. I did not realize that this was a drawback of the previous hotpockets. I feel like the normal hot pocket is already fairly portable, and I am also certain you will not get made fun of any less for walking around with a hot pocket product that looks like gentiles.

Then again another part of me is like, maybe these things are amazingly delicious. I mean how else would they actually go ahead with the idea of making them. Then again 95% of what Jim Gaffigan says about hot pockets is true, so I'm not so sure how much sense the company has for what is a good idea. Who wrote their jingle? The map from Dora the explorer?

Chances are I will never try these things unless I go to the grocery store unbelievably hungry, but if that happens my cart will already be very very full by the time I get to them in the frozen foods aisle...it always is.

Fortune or No?: Part II

2010-03-24T21:18:00.002-04:00

Same deal as Part I, is it a fortune or not or does it fall in that gray area.
*Tangent*- Whats the deal with gray and grey? I wanna say one is older English or something but you see them both all over the place. Weird. Anywho

"Indulge your ambitious nature"
Not a Fortune: Clearly just a command. No food can straight tell me what to do, unless its Jesus as a bowl of cherries.

"You will soon receive help from an unexpected source"
Fortune: Talkin' bout the future, a little mystery with this unexpected deal. I like it, solid fortune

"Give your business interests top priority next month"
Not a Fortune: Quit trying to boss me around cookie, but thanks for giving me til next month before i have to change my priorities. And tell me whats gonna happen, don't suggest what I should do.

"You will soon change your present line of work"
Fortune: Pretty obvious, I guess I'm not interested in what I do or maybe I change jobs around the first of the month...Lets be real these fortunes are fairly old, cookie you missed the mark.

"Participation in sports may lead you to a lucrative career"
Gray Area: Sounds pretty fortuney, but at the same time its also just kinda a statement. Also pretty sure I missed that boat. Panda lady musta messed up and gave me the wrong cookie.

That brings our total count to 4-2-3, Fortune - Gray Area - Not a Fortune

Everything Butt College Basketball

2010-03-15T21:55:00.002-04:00

The NCAA tournament field was selected yesterday. This reminded me of a essay I began on what I now see is December 1st, 2009. It started out something like this...

"I have a theory regarding ESPN, and possibly its own demise. The more popular ESPN has become the more and more people they have hired. Many of these people perform unbelievably specific and often times useless tasks. The more people they hire the more pointless tasks they need to create and before you know it, they've eaten themselves alive like a confused snake.

Anyway, one of these tasks that is pointless something like 49 weeks out of the year is projecting the entire NCAA Tournament field. But guess what ESPNs Joe Lunardi cranked out 2 weeks ago...yup an entire bracket, seedings and all."

So at the time I took the bracket and decided to do something at the very worst equally as pointless. I played out the entire tourney using the mascot names. The funniest mascot name moving forward. Oh did I mention in this game you have to add the word "Butt" to the beginning of the mascot name? Cause yeah you do. (They idea stems from a Bill Simmons Mailbag, I'm not a complete nutbag) Sorry I don't have the actual schools on there, and feel free to debate a match up you think went the wrong way.

On an actual sports related note some of the choices are pretty funny. The following are some notable seeds Lunardi picked 3 months ago with the teams actual seed in parentheses. Kansas 1 (1), WVU 2 (2), Duke 2 (1), UNC 2 (NIT), UConn 4 (NIT), Syracuse 10 (1) and of course Terps 7 (4).

See below for the bracket, the only way it was readable was to break it up. Enjoy...if you are as immature as I you shall.

The Hamburglar is afoot

2009-11-15T21:35:00.003-05:00

If you go to McDonalds and order off the dollar menu you may notice a strange burger called the McDouble. I know what you are thinking, and yes the double cheese burger was formerly on the dollar menu. Now it appears slightly above said dollar menu as a regular ole sandwich that costs a whopping $1.19. What is the difference between these two burgers besides a sizable 20 cents? Today I got to the bottom of the mystery, I had an idea as to what the answer would be, and I'm said to say my inkling was correct.

The McDouble is constructed from bottom to top of bun, beef pattie, slice of cheese, beef pattie, two pickle slices, mustard, ketchup and diced onion capped off with a regular bun.

The more robust Double Cheeseburger consisted of bun, beef pattie, slice of cheese, beef pattie, a second slice of cheese, two pickle slices, mustard, ketchup and diced onions capped off with a regular bun.

That's correct the only difference between a Double Cheeseburger and a McDouble is a slice of cheese. 20 cents for a slice of cheese! Ridiculous.

Fortune or No? : Part I

2009-09-20T21:24:00.005-04:00

As some of you know one of my pet peeves, in addition to people saying they are "peeved", is when I get a fortune cookie only to find there is no fortune to be told. Not that there is no slip of paper, but the slip of paper projects no fortune upon me. Often times it is some nugget of wisdom, but a wisdom cookie it is not. I don't care what Confucius say unless its something like "You will trip on a canine before the next dawn"

I've been hangin' on to my "fortunes" for a little while in an attempt to tally just how many fortune cookies aren't what they claim to be. I have divided them into 3 categories, Fortune, Not a Fortune, and a third gray area category I am yet to come up with a decent name for.

So lets get to it, all of these come to us from Panda Express.

"Your kindness will lead you to success"
Verdict: Gray area: While it does sorta predict success in the future, its more wisdom than anything.

"A sudden change in plans will lead you to good fortunes"
Fortune: Now you may be saying that's just like the first one, what gives? The key is that it predicts the future and nothing else. A sudden change in plans is unknown, the kindness I already have (not a word, I can be nice and you know it).

"Chances of glamour and excitement are coming to you"
Fortune: While it could be a lot more bold, chances c'mon now cookie, it is obviously taking a stab at predicting the future. Ooh excitement I can't wait!

And lastly, "You create enthusiasm around you"
Not a Fortune: Clearly, it's just a statement of fact. Well I don't know if fact is the right word but still no prediction there.

So the count at the moment is 2-1-1, fortune - gray area - not a fortune, more to come later.

Spare a thought

2009-08-10T21:59:00.003-04:00

I was forwarded an email a few weeks ago that really made an impact on me. I didn't forward it to anyone at the time because I wasn't sure of anyone I knew that wasn't on the list of recipients with me that would be interested. The following story, written by someone I don't know but I'm glad they shared it, should be of interest to everyone. It says a lot about society today, and about how sometimes our priorities can get out of sorts. So please take a minute and read this story, think about whats really important, and honor a deserving man even if it's just with a thought.

"One of the "Band of Brother" soldiers died on June 17, 2009.

We're hearing a lot today about big splashy memorial services.

I want a nationwide memorial service for Darrell "Shifty" Powers.

Shifty volunteered for the airborne in WWII and served with Easy Company of the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, part of the 101st Airborne Infantry.

If you've seen Band of Brothers on HBO or the History Channel, you know Shifty. His character appears in all 10 episodes, and Shifty himself is interviewed in several of them.

I met Shifty in the Philadelphia airport several years ago. I didn't know who he was at the time. I just saw an elderly gentleman having trouble reading his ticket. I offered to help, assured him he was at the right gate, and noticed the "Screaming Eagle", the symbol of the 101st Airborne, on his hat.

Making conversation, I asked him if he'd been in the 101st Airborne, or if his son was serving. He said quietly that he had been in the 101st. I thanked him for his service, then asked him when he served, and how many jumps he made.

Quietly and humbly, he said, "Well, I guess I signed up in 1941 or so, and was in until sometime in 1945..." at which point my heart skipped.

At that point, again, very humbly, he said, "I made the 5 training jumps at Toccoa, and then jumped into Normandy...do you know where Normandy is?"

At this point my heart stopped.

I told him yes, I know exactly where Normandy was and I know what D-Day was.

At that point he said "I also made a second jump into Holland, into Arnhem."

I was standing with a genuine war hero...and then I realized that it was June, just after the anniversary of D-Day.

I asked Shifty if he was on his way back from France, and he said, "Yes. And it's real sad because these days so few of the guys are left, and those that are, lots of them can't make the trip." My heart was in my throat and I didn't know what to say.

I helped Shifty get onto the plane and then realized he was back in Coach, while I was in First Class. I sent the flight attendant back to get him and said that I wanted to switch seats. When Shifty came forward, I got up out of the seat and told him I wanted him to have it, that I'd take his in coach.

He said, "No, son, you enjoy that seat. Just knowing that there are still some who remember what we did and still care enough to make an old man very happy." His eyes were filling up as he said it. And mine are brimming up now as I write this.

Shifty died on June 17th after fighting cancer.

There was no parade.

No big event in Staples Center.

No wall-to-wall, back-to-back, 24x7 news coverage.

No weeping fans on television.

And that's not right."

I don't know how I can add to this man's story, but I'm gonna try. I told this story to two people, and both times it was difficult to fight back tears. I can be get pretty emotional, but I hope this story meant something to you to.

The word hero is thrown around fairly quickly by people today, often in the sports world. Not to say sports doesn't have its heroic figures. Jackie Robinson and Roberto Clemente are two of the most influential people since World War II. But most heroes never really get their due. Many don't ask to be celebrated. All the more reason we should take some time to remember what they have done.

The worst commentary on the 40th anniversary of the moon landing

2009-07-21T21:56:00.002-04:00

If you saw the news or virtually any television program yesterday you know that it was the 40th anniversary of the first time man set foot on the moon, if you believe that actually happened but that's a whole other discussion. While my parents and others were reminded of where they were when they saw it, I was reminded of one of my favorite stupid questions to ask people.

If only you and an animal were going to travel into space together, what animal would you take with you? Feel free to think of your own answer before reading mine.

I feel there are two schools of thought hear. One, choose something fun or comfortable, your pet for example. Or two, choose something practical. I have personally narrowed it down to two animals.

I think it would be nice to bring a penguin with me. A classy bird, always a plus when spending a lot of time in close quarters. But the real reason I'd take the ole tuxedo with me is so that he would have a chance to see what its like to fly.

My other choice is the obvious one. Clearly gotta go monkey. This is the ultimate combination of fun and practicality. Like a station wagon with a hemi in it, wait that exists, why can't America sell cars! Anyway, monkeys are pretty goshdarn smart and could be trained to help you do stuff in space, and whats more fun than a monkey? Monkeys have actually been in space right? Or was that just a cartoon show?

Either way my choice is monkey with penguin being the runner up. Who would you take into space with you?

Remember: Power Rangers

2009-05-04T21:48:00.002-04:00

More specifically Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, I don't know much about all these other ones, my little cousin tells me there is some sort of wild west power rangers.

The only reason I mention this is a thought I had today. Does anyone else looking back on it find it at least a little bit terrible that the black ranger was black, and the yellow ranger was asian?

Also note upon researching the subject, when the yellow and black rangers were replaced, the black ranger was an asian guy and the yellow ranger was a black girl. Weird.

We talkin' bout flea market...Montgomery

2009-04-09T21:08:00.002-04:00

Moments ago on the Office, Ryan was watching an internet video. If you've seen it before you probably recognized it as it is the hilarious Flea Market Montgomery commercial. If you have not seen it view it here. You will not be disappointed.

Michael Strahan is a genius

2009-04-09T20:49:00.003-04:00

I just saw a subway commercial where former NFL player Michael Strahan is making a sub for someone when a "real" subway employee tells him there is no roast beef on an Italian BMT. He stares at her like the large human being he is and she walks away. Then the commercial just goes on to push the 5 dollar foot longs some more. Now I'm aware the BMT lacks roast beef, thats what I get like 70% of the time I go to subway, but if you are going to tease me with it in the commercial you better tell me how I can get it. I'm sitting here expecting them to tell me "GUESS WHAT! YOU can add an extra meat to any 5 dollar foot long at no additional cost! THATS RIGHT! We made this deal better!" No instead all I learned was that a deal that I'm fairly certain never left, not only came back but is now... still here. Lame. At least they didnt play that stupid jingle I hate.

My basic cable show is better than yours!

2009-03-24T20:19:00.003-04:00

The Daily show interview Jon Stewart did with Jim Cramer of Mad Money just re-aired. If you have not seen it I encourage you to watch it on comedycentral.com. I however suggest you take this interview with a grain of salt and not judge Cramer purely on this if you know nothing else about him besides he is the guy that yells about stocks.

I must admit that I am a fan of Cramer's and think he is very attuned to this country as a whole economically. In general I think he is a pretty smart guy. I also must admit that I am not that big a fan of Jon Stewart. He can be funny sure, but often times when he gets all serious i just want to roll my eyes at him. Feel free to report the news, try and get the scoop or whatever, but its the holier-than-thou attitude he sometimes projects that bothers me. Aside from college aged liberals (probably the majority of my audience) I'm not sure there are many people who care what his opinions actually are.

So I guess that brings me to why I decided to comment on this interview. To be completely honest I thought Jon Stewart's interview of Jim Cramer was unprofessional. He goes on a number of accusational rants which baring the approval of an English Major, (aren't you glad I've provided you a use for that...I kid I kid) I'm pretty sure weren't questions. Cramer lets him finish his "questions" and then usually started in on an "answer" which i guess is better labeled a rebuttal. To which he was often interrupted by Stewart so he could either go on another rant or run one of many clips he had from one poorly shot interview from a few years back. And although he at several points tries to say it isn't about Cramer but about CNBC and the financial district in general, he uses the videos pretty douchely. Calling out clip numbers off note cards, like a kid checking off his list on Christmas morning, at one point one right after another as if to just say "GOTCHA!" I didn't take a stop watch to it or anything but it seemed to me Stewart was talking a large majority of the time. One point I chose to pay enough attention to Cramer spoke for 30 seconds of a 4 minute span. Not exactly a great interview when the guest just gets the best seat for a monologue from the host.

The last thing that got under my skin a little was that Stewart dropped the eff bomb three separate times. I'm not saying he isn't allowed to curse on his show, but when you are grilling someone about how they should take their role as a news person more seriously, you probably shouldn't just yell expletives while you go on emotional rants.

Anyway, I guess the moral of this story is think for yourself and dont just take one persons views for the only way to see things.

Then again who doesn't like dancing girls?

2009-03-16T21:51:00.004-04:00

As many of you know I am in fact a Republican. But I have been trying to give President Obama the benefit of the doubt whenever I can. Some people have put a little too much faith in him in my opinion. Not to get all political and whatnot but this was an ad that was on my instant messenger.

Yes that is an ad for "LowerMyBills.com" which I must say I in no way support in that I know nothing about the site. All I know is that it is great that "Obama is the New President" and they like digital dancing girls.

Now again I'll be as happy as anyone if Obama can fix the problems of this country, but in the word of my former roommate, really? This just reminds me of that lady at the convention I believe who went on that rant about how Obama was gonna give her a car and pay her mortgage and bring back Jesus for an unprecedented third coming. Sadly we did not transform into some sort of utopia, and chances are clicking that button will do nothing for you bills.

Somewhere in there I lost track of my point, but I think what I'm trying to say is its okay to have faith, but its not okay to just stop thinking and trust that someone will fix everything for you.

p.s. this was supposed to be funny, but took an oddly serious tone. I apologize for this as I plan on it not happening for quite some time.

You know what's a fun game? Q*bert

2009-02-27T20:50:00.002-05:00

Q*bert was this awesome game for Regular Nintendo and at the arcade (sidenote it's kinda funny how commonly it is referred to as "regular nintendo" when that isn't at all its real name. Like I kinda wanna be a history snob to the point I call WWI the Great War. Anyway...) and when you died in the game he made this weird computerized noise and a talk bubble popped up where he said something to the effect of "%@&#". This will all make sense in a few moments.

For the season o' Lent in addition to giving up chips I am attempting to stop using curse words. Earlier today I found myself wishing I could train myself to make that Q*bert computer noise. So the following is a list of things I used expletives toward and or about today...yes I'm aware I have a problem hence the trying to fix it.

Morning
AutoCad
Carrier HAP (A computer program I use at work)
Timesheets
Coworker
Self
AutoCad
CAPS Lock
Bartender at TGIFridays
Rain

There are probably other things that I forgot but yeah. So apparently if I didn't use a computer I would be a much less angry person.

Who is cooler than Miles Davis?

2009-02-12T21:16:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I like to think about weird things...really weird things.

For instance I have often wondered how would the Civil War have been changed if you gave the South one M-16. Lets assume they also have a virtually unlimited amount of ammo for it. The only logistical issue they would have to deal with is transporting the ammo around from battle to battle. I'm pretty certain the war would easily be won by the south under this scenario. Basically all they would have to do is keep the gun from getting stolen and prevent it from getting hit by cannon fire. The former the gun itself could prevent. Feel free to disagree but the range, accuracy, rate of fire and reliability of the M-16 would be virtually unstoppable in that era.

You might be saying "That's not all that weird"

So with that situation fairly one sided in my mind I began to think, what if they had one M-16 yada yada yada BUT instead of the bullets killing and/or injuring they made the victim poop their pants.

I think this would affect the fighting abilities of the north quite a bit. But clearly not as much as if they were dead. For one they arent going to be able to move around as well, and for two its gonna start to smell real real bad when a whole row of infantry gets mowed down. You also have to throw the shock factor in there. Randomly messing your knickers while being shot at probably dazes you for a short while. So now to my ESPN like analysis of an overly hyped event that is never going to take place. SIDE NOTE: I find it hilarious that the two teams they said would beat almost every historic team they matched them up with ('08 Patriots and '05 USC) lost in the game they were yet to play that season. HA. Anyway, here is how I see it. The South would benefit greatly from this odd technology early on when some soldiers freeze up and are then killed while other retreat to empty their drawers. However, it is possible this would result in less casualties but I'm not really sure if men would retreat or just deal. I mean hygene wasnt exactly the most important thing back then. I do believe that todays athlete is just too great and between Randy Moss' freakish abilities and Tom Brady's dreamy eyes, wait thats not right. Oh yeah I think the North would sooner rather than later figure out what was happening and move to fighting in sometype of an assless chap. This would render the weapon virtually useless provided they seperate their lines a little bit more than usual.

So in Summary
Winner of Civil War - NORTH
Winner of Civil War if South had an M-16 - SOUTH
Winner of Civil War if South had an M-16 that made you poop your pants - PROBABLY NORTH STILL BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT CLOSER AND A LOT MESSIER

P.S. This isn't that wierd an idea, the military has actually done a lot of research on the "Brown note". The idea that a low enough pitch tone can cause people to lose total control of their bodily function thus making them not really want to shot guns or have guns shot at them. So that is the answer to your question "How in the world did he think of that?"

You think you're Rihanna?

2009-02-12T21:05:00.003-05:00

Today when I was walking through the mall on the way to the food court I saw a young couple arguing. The girl looked pissed and the guy was trying to calm her down. Of course awkward by all of this I tried to hustle on by. As soon as I got past them the girl said this,

"Why you gotta be all Chris Brown all the time?"

Sadly to say I was too far beyond them at that point to hear anything more.

Reed Fence

2008-12-29T22:07:00.004-05:00

To follow up the previous post Ed Reed is arguably the best safety in the game to day. But were you aware that he has a good chance to become one of the best safeties statistically of all time, and very quickly. I'm just gonna throw out some stat categories with the NFL record maybe what the 10th best is and then where Ed Reed ranks.

Most years leading the league in interceptions
Record-----3-Everson Walls, Dallas, '81 '82 & '85
T-2nd-----2- Ed Reed '04 & '08

Interceptions in a Career
Record-----81-Paul Krause
10th-------57- Mel Blount
43-Ed Reed

Oh, and assuming Ty Law retires like he was until the Jets desperately signed him mid year Reed will be tied for 2nd with Champ Bailey among active players.

And here is where he might be the best ever.

Interception return yards in a career
Record----- 1483- Rod Woodson
5th-------- 1185- Paul Krause
6th-------- 1144-ED REED

Interception Return yards in a season
Record-----358-ED REED

Interception Return yards in a game
Record-----177-Charlie McNeil
150-Ed Reed

Longest Interception return
Record-----107- ED REED
2nd--------106- ED REED
T-3rd------ 103- Two Players

Yards per Interception Return (Min 50 Ints)
Record-----25.1- Deion Sanders
2nd-------- 19.2-Lem Barney

With 43 Ints Reed currently sits at 26.6 YPR. If you assume he gets 7 more INTs but gets 0 yards on returns his average would be 22.9 good enough for second place all time.

Career Non-Offensive Touchdowns
Record-----19- Deion Sanders
2nd--------17-Rod Woodson
3rd--------13-Two Players
T-11th-----11-Ed Reed

Punt Blocks returned for touchdowns
Record-----3- Ed Reed

Oh and he is the only player ever to score Touchdowns in all of the following ways
Interception Return
Fumble return
Punt Return
Punt Block return

Here is a video someone made of a bunch of Ed Reed Clips. If you fast forward to the 1:10 mark you will see why I added this. You will see Ed Reed intercept a pass about 6 yards deep in his own end zone. There is nothing to suggest he should make any attempt to return this pick. He does and returns it for a touchdown. You will also notice toward the end of the play a Ravens player (I believe Will Demps) is not paying attention to a Jet he could block pretty easily. He will later illegally block him costing Reed the touchdown. That's right if Will Demps pays slightly more attention on that play Ed Reed would have the 3 longest interceptions returned for touchdowns in the history of the league.

So next time you hear someone debating the best safety in the league make sure the words "Ed Reed" and "Ball hawk" make there way into that conversation.

Remember: The Ravens Super Bowl Defense

2008-12-29T21:07:00.002-05:00

With the Ravens clinching a playoff berth in a game where Ed Reed intercepted 2 passes and lateraled the ball on both returns, one of which began deep in the end zone with the game all but over, I couldn't help thinking about how great the Ravens Super Bowl D was.

Top 5 Stats about the 2000 Ravens Super Bowl Winning Defense

5-They gave up only 10.3 points per game, a modern NFL record

4-They surrendered 970 rushing yards all season which comes to 60.6 per game and 2.7 per carry. Which leads to one of my favorite Ray Lewis quotes. When asked "why do teams run on you when they know you are so good?" Ray responded "It's like in a restaurant when the waitress tells you not to touch the plate because its hot. You touch it to see what her definition of hot is and then you don't touch the plate again"

3- They only gave up 23 points in 4 playoff games, including the 7 in the Super Bowl which were on a kickoff return, not really the defense.

2-The offense failed to score a touchdown for a record 5 straight games and the team went 2-3.

1- Every game the Offense scored more than 6 points, they won. If they scored a single touchdown that year they won the game. That is insane!

Feather Dusters

2008-12-19T22:08:00.002-05:00

If you dont like traditional roles then you should love birds.

Think about it, traditionally the man does the difficult gross stuff. Kills the spiders, puts up the barns, etc. etc. (sidenote did you know spelled out it is et cetera? I wonder who the last person to spell that out was?) Look at birds, the femme does a lot of the dirty work. Builds the nest, chews up the worms and spits them into the mouths of the baby birds. And what does the guy do? He just flies around all colorful looking for sex. Which if you've been to a club or a bar anytime recently thats the exact mindset some young ladies wander around with.

Note: Some information about birds may be incorrect...this is not a joke I'm really just not sure nor do I want to spend the time and effort to find out which bird actually constructs the nest.

Why are they clapping?

2008-12-09T21:33:00.002-05:00

So I'm watching Jeopardy, "The classic thinking person's answer and question show" as comcast describes it. And someone selects a category and dollar amount and whattayaknow its the daily double. Fair enough happens 3 times a show. But then the other contestants and the audience clap. Why? He didn't do anything yet! He has the ability to read and picked a randomly assigned clue. I mean I can understand the clapping if they get it right. Congratulating the accomplishment and being a good sport that's fine. But there is no need to clap for a random occurance.

Clapping for nothing isnt contained to Jeopardy. Yes, I am also a Wheel watcher. And everytime somebody spins the wheel, boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop, the other contestants clap. Is this being a good sport? I mean not really what is there to clap about? Does anyone hear that clapping and think 'yeah I just spun the hell outta that wheel'? I highly doubt it. And if they do I'm not sure i trust their knowledge of the alphabet is at the level it should be to play Wheel of Fortune.

Smirel for da camera

2008-11-20T22:14:00.003-05:00

Asians have made great strides in almost every phase of life. They are good at seemingly everything. You have your Yao Mings, your Ichiros, Yo-Yo Ma, Jackie Chan, that army of tiny tiny gymnasts. You name a thing people do and there is an Asian that is crazy good at it. Example: Hotdog eating. Although today I found a skill no asian has been able to master. That skill: Taking pictures of food and making it look good. Every asian resturant has the same pictures of the food up on the wall. They dont use movie magic with dry ice making steam or scoops of fat instead of icecream. They just whip out a polaroid and take a snapshot of the Poo Poo platter before they take it over to table 6. Wave it in the air a little and bam put a price on it and stick throw it up on the big board. Perhaps this is the most efficient way to do things. Perhaps its somekinda minimalist zen thing. Who knows why they do it, one of lifes mysteries i suppose. Like that tree falling or that hand clapping thing.

Baltimore is back!

2008-11-12T22:45:00.003-05:00

I've known for a few months that the Orioles were going to but "Baltimore" back on the road jerseys, but now that I've seen the pictures I am so stoked. The new uniforms (click the photo gallery link at the top of the article to see pictures) are a great modern retro look a la Camden Yards. The cartoon bird swinging a bat is back on the jackets AND the Maryland patch is sweet as well. Sure I'm bias but the Maryland flag is pretty sweet. Disagree? Look at the Terps endzones and shut your face. Well looks like im definitely getting season tickets. Now I just gotta wait to see where Texiera signs to figure out just how good my seats are gonna be.

Overhead Projector

2008-11-04T20:45:00.002-05:00

I'm not trying to get all political or anything but ABC how do you "project" these things? In the time I'm typing this these numbers might change but as of now Obama is projected to win Pennsylvania up 64% to 35% with "0%" of precincts reporting in other words about 8000 to 4000. Ohio however he is up 65% to 34% with "0%" reporting however it is about 300,000 to 150,00 and no projection is being made. The two states have fairly similar populations of between 11 and 12 million. Now how exactly is one a projected win and another too close to call? I'm not saying it will be wrong I just want at least a few sentences telling me why you chose to but that ever important check mark next to Obamas name in one instance but not another similar if not more obvious instance. I like how all the networks after the 2000 Florida debacle said "we aren't gonna call states super early anymore" (yes that is an exact quote from all the networks combined) but now they still do it anyway.

Again I'm not saying you will be wrong just if you are that sure you wont be wrong tell me the hell why please.

Evian is Naive spelled backward

2008-11-03T22:12:00.003-05:00

Dear Evian Water,

Thanks but no thanks for donating all that bottled water for the Susan G. Komen Race for a Cure in Hunt Valley. I'll admit I was tired as hell at the end and boy did I appreciate the water on the morning of October the 19th.

However I was bothered to read on the side of your bottle later that day the water you so graciously donated was produced on 10/03/06 17:57 and expired 10/08/2008. If not for the fact I constantly forget what year it is (seriously that Y2K thing was that long ago?) I would have noticed a little faster, but that water you gave me "went bad" 11 days ago! I don't even know how water goes bad but still! At least have the respect to somehow take that off the side of the bottle. All I ask is next time you donate something to someone it be something that actually has a value above that of garbage.

Thanks

P.S. I've been refilling and reusing the bottle in my car and stuff and the little flippy cap thing broke off after like 10 days of use. Really? You couldn't make a more durable cap? Not that I ever bought your snobby water before but good luck trying to get me to buy it ever. Deer Park '08!

Superman the animated series...sorta

2008-10-12T21:51:00.002-04:00

Most people have been asked the question "If you could have a super power what would it be?" Naturally like 45% of people pick invisibility and 45% pick the ability to fly. Most of the other 10% pick something out of X-men. As awesome as the X-men are I would definitely be cartoon physics man.

My two favorite skills I would have are the ability to reinflate myself when i get crushed and or become an accordion in said situation and the ability to eat large foods whole while you can watch the shape of the food slide down my neck.

The other advantages are I would be virtually invincible. I couldn't be crushed or fall to my death. If i were to get shot my tummy would just look like Swiss cheese while water would pour out the holes.

Plus I would be able to "fly" for very short periods of time before I realized I was not on the ground and then I would fall. Then again I could also just not look down like they did in the tiny toons movie and I could just walk across. I could also become invisible if i had a can of paint.

Man being a cartoon would be fun.

BRING YO A$$ TO THE TABLE!

2008-09-29T23:58:00.002-04:00

For those of you I converse with via that new fangled instant messaging technology, you are aware I use the word "Coolio" a good deal in place of simply "Cool". Yesterday after using it I wondered what is Coolio doing nowadays and well you can thank me later for what I found. Apparently he has a cooking show on the internet.

SHAKAZULU! I've watched them all and they are gold! To view all ten hilarious webisodes go to mydamnchannel.com and under channels click coolio. You will definitely not be disappointed.

Things I have learned include how to make spinach even kids will like, a dime bag is the same as a level teaspoon, how to make a cool-a-cado, what coolio looks like in a pirate outfit, how to make a salad that will make a girls panties fall off, and the Andy Milaclockis is still ticking.

Oh and most importantly if it looks good, smells good, tastes good, it is good.

P.S. I also learned (not from the show) that Coolio was arrested sometime in June but was released on bail and I believe this may be one of the reasons there are no new episodes since the end of April.

P.P.S. Seriously stop reading and watch it, I'm really surprised you read past the word pirate.

The Millionare and his Wife

2008-09-24T00:03:00.002-04:00

How much money did Mr. Howell actually have? I mean sure he seemed rich and brought a ton of clothing and money for what was supposed to be a three hour boat tour, but as Chuck from Little Big League points out if Mr. Howell was really all that rich he would never have boarded the S.S. Minnow.

According to the show he had his fair share of assets. A railroad, an oil well, typical rich guy stuff, a diamond mine okay cool, a coconut plantation, not really a money maker as far as I know but still pretty sweet. The real money machine he apparently had was 40 acres of land in Colorado, not that impressive but it apparently included all of downtown Denver. Upon further thought 40 acres is not a large area. That could be like main street Denver I guess, a solid chunk of change I'm sure but that don't get you in Forbes. Or does it.

There is an actual list Forbes puts out from time to time of the richest fictional people. On the latest list (2007) Thurston Howell ranks 9th, net worth 6.3 Billion dollars right behind Bruce Wayne at 7 Bil. Topping the most recent list Scrooge McDuck with a net worth of 28.8 Billion. How did he always dive in the pit of coins and not get horribly injured?

Remember: SPUD

2008-09-12T13:44:00.003-04:00

S P U D period
A solid playground game back in the day. The basic premise is you get a group of people and a kickball. Someone throws the ball in the air and calls someones name (other versions have everyone given a number and the number is whats called) everyone except that person run like the dickens. When the person called catches the ball they call stop or freeze or whatever you please. haha oh random rhyming. Anyway then the person counts out S P U D period with each step they take toward people that ran like the dickens. If they hit somebody that person gets a letter a la HORSE, if they miss then the thrower gets a letter. Its really a grand game, I always wanted to get a game going at college but it never happened. Maybe I can get all the neighborhood children to help me revisit my childhood. So if anyone is ever trying to get a game of SPUD going lemme know and I'll see who I can round up.

Yippie ki yi yay [my friend]

2008-09-11T22:40:00.005-04:00

I recently pondered which was the best utterance of John McClane's catchphrase, which by the way is pretty hard to spell out. In trying to find how it is spelled i found everything including yippie-ki-yay, yipekieeeee, Yippe Ki Aye, yippee kayea, Yippi Kiyai, Yippie ki ya, and yippikay yey among others. Needless to say I found them all inadequate and spelled it as I did. But I digress.

I warn you now that if you have not seen the Die Hard movies and do not want to know what happens stop reading now. If you are a man, please go rent them now as your man card is on probation until you have done so.

In the first Die Hard he says it a couple times, all relatively BA but not by John McClane standards as we know them now. The second one is where after that gunfight puts a hole in the gas tank of the plane with the all the bad guys on it and John lights the stream of gas on fire as its taking off. That is pretty friggin' sweet. The third one or Die Hard with a vengeance as its known is when the helicopter with Hans' brother and that hot German chick on it is lining up its shot on ole John and he looks like he has no way out, but he makes an impossible pistol shot at a telephone wire and it falls on the choppers rotor making it crash. Man Die Hard is so sweet! If I had to rely on any movie character I'm pretty sure it would be John McClane. This includes the Bourne guy, any of the people from the Matrix, airbud, any superhero ever, terminator, anybody!

Anyway I believe that the fourth movie Live Free Die Hard contains the greatest of them all. Again when it seems John has been beaten he turns the tide and kills the baddy. THIS TIME with a gun pointed at his chest, foe behind him, he is told his tombstone should read "always in the wrong place at the wrong time" to which he replies "how bout yippie ki yi yay mother" BANG! and then he shoots the guy through his own chest! Far and away the most BA of them all. One of the manliest killings in movie history. Plus the witty response is vintage McClane, that just seals the deal. So there you have it case closed killing someone through your own chest because that's your only option, coolest thing ever.

Star Wars Defense

2008-09-04T00:47:00.003-04:00

A New Hope was on today which of course make me think about what i would have done if I was in Star Wars. Not like in the movie but like in the galaxy far far away a long time ago. I'm probably using too much logic here but why didnt anyone make a mirrored suit? Lasers are light and should be reflected away by a mirrored suit. Of course the lasers never really did any actual damage to anyones suit when they were shot, they just kinda fell over. Regardless the lasers should bounce off a mirror. I know what you're thinking, the lasers won't be deflected back at who fired them. While this isnt that big a problem as everything around the shootee usually got hit pretty darn hard. But anyway, there is a way they could make the suit so that the laser would deflect right back where it came from. I cant remember what its called but there is this kind of mirror with tons of tiny concave mirrors in it that reflects light back from where it came. I saw such a mirror on one of the newest Mythbusters when they shown a laser off of one on the moon and back to prove that people had been there. Crazy stuff, but the point of this whole thing is if they made clothing with these mirrors on them you couldnt be shot with a laser it would just launch right back at the shooter. I may have ended up being the dumbest looking guy roaming the death star but I wouldnt have died...well if I was still there when it blew up the mirrors wouldnt really do much then...and I'm not really sure what it would do to a lightsaber. Whoa maybe it would like bend the lightsaber inside itself. Wrap your mind around that one, Yoda himself couldnt predict what would happen.

Rôti Sans Pareil

2008-09-02T00:29:00.000-04:00

John Madden I warn you not to read any further unless you have a clean pair of underpants handy.

Everyone is familiar with the Turducken. It is of course the delightful treat composed of a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey made famous in recent years by BOOM! John Madden. In a parody on Frank TV "Madden" contemplates a fourth animal in the feast. Deciding to either go smaller with a weasel or bigger with a buck horn sheep.

If 3 birds stuffed inside one another is enough to make your mouth water prepare to be decleated by the Roast without equal. At a royal feast in 19th century France a 1) Bustard was stuffed with a 2) Turkey stuffed with a 3) Goose stuffed with a 4) Pheasant stuffed with a 5) Chicken stuffed with a 6) Duck stuffed with a 7) Guinea Fowl stuffed with a 8) Teal stuffed with a 9) Woodcock stuffed with a 10) Partridge stuffed with a 11) Plover stuffed with a 12) Lapwing stuffed with a 13) Quail stuffed with a 14) Thrush stuffed with a 15) Lark stuffed with a 16) Ortolan Bunting stuffed with a 17) Garden Warbler stuffed with an olive. Yeah thats right 17 birds stuffed inside each other with an olive stuffed in the little tiny one! Unfortunately half the birds are now endangered so the 34 wing meal can not be recreated today. So let this be a challange to John Madden and the rest of the U.S. to defeat the French (how hard has it been throughout the rest of history) at what we do best, being completely ridiculous and getting fat. My suggestion for the most delicious set of Russian nesting dolls begins with a full cage of beef ribs and ends with a hotdog, you fill in the blanks America.

3 Shots

2008-08-24T23:54:00.002-04:00

I am presently watching sunday night baseball, the dodgers and phillies are in the the 10th both having used up their bench. This prompted Jon Miller to say that it is Cal Ripken's birthday and that 25 years ago the Orioles had used up their entire bench and then Tippy Martinez came in the game and would pick off 3 batters. This is about the 8th time I have heard this story and the first time it was not told by Jim Palmer. Palmer never included the details about Cals birthday or the bench being exhausted, but will always tell you those are the only 3 batters Tippy picked off in his entire career and all were by faking to third and throwing to first. This is also the grand daddy in what I refer to as the Jim Palmer drinking game. Jim Palmer talking about himself is a sip of your drink as is referring to the 70's. Talking about the batter being in the shadow and the pitcher being in the sun is a shot as is mentioning Tippy Martinez by name. And the puke inducer is the 3 shots that must be done if Jim's "Favorite memory of Tippy" is recited, one for each runner picked off.

In case you were wondering Mr. Palmer did take a minute or two in this afternoons game to explain how hard it is to hit in the shadows when the pitcher is in the sun, and happy anniversery Tippy

The Red Sox give me the willy fingers

2008-08-22T00:17:00.000-04:00

When I was at the Orioles-Red Sox game the other night not being the 50 millionth fan at Camden Yards a fairly unenjoyable game provided lots of little things to ponder.

For one I discovered that on Eutaw Street you can get a Jack and Coke for $6.50, the same price a bottle of domestic beer. I did not test the strength or size of this drink as I had already had a few of said domestic beers and knew that if it was a good strength I would then probably try and test mine against some God forsaken red sox fan and if it was small or weak I would just be really mad.

Had the “Who is annoying enough to get punched” contest been held, the winner would have probably been the man a few rows behind me who, after Jacoby Elsbury dove for a ball and made a chunk of grass dislodge from the turf, said at first to all his friends “hey John, Jacoby didn’t replace his divot. Hey Bobby, Jacoby didn’t replace his divot. Hey John junior, Jacoby didn’t replace his divot. Hey Ted, Jacoby didn’t replace his divot.” And then yelled “HEY JACOBY, REPLACE YOUR DIVOT”. For better or worse instead of punching the man I sarcastically yelled, “haha this is baseball not golf, haha divot, haha nine iron, haha tiger woods, haha gillete razors!”

Sometime later I began to contemplate how possible and how worthwhile it would be to train mice to run into the pants of opposing baseball players. If you had front row outfield seats you could let the mice down on the field, they could hide in the grass and at the right moment they could crawl up the player’s leg distracting them horribly. I came to the conclusion that it is definitely possible to do it, but I personally probably couldn’t do it, nor would I want to put in the time.

The only other event of the night worth reliving was when an annoying red sox boy got the attention of Elsbury as he finished warming up, he went to throw the ball to said annoying boy. My cousin and I tried our damndest to intercept the throw so we could throw it back on the field (yes this stupid kid was annoying enough to warrant this and he was old enough that we aren’t really horrible people just slightly mean). We couldn’t reach the ball but the dumb kid dropped it right off his hands and some other guy got it. As happy as this made us we were cursed to hear him whine excuses for the remaining inning of the game. Also at some point during that inning someone he knew ripped the pocket off his stupid red sox Hawaiian shirt, needless to say he also complained about that.

Oh no, I hope I didn’t just pull a Jim Palmer

Overheard: High's Convenience Store

2008-08-20T21:52:00.005-04:00

While in High's today waiting to purchase my lunch I overheard a somewhat sad yet hilarious conversation. A man had apparently recently broken up with his girlfriend and was discussing it with the confirmed bachelor that works the counter.

Now when I listen to a conversation I don't really give it much focus at first, whatever is really loud and I can't avoid hearing I hear. But once something funny comes down the pipe I hone in, and hone in I would.

So anyway, this guy is saying a bunch of stuff about how some women is crazy and stuff, meanwhile I contemplate which scratch-off I wish to buy. Then the cashier baited "I didn't realize you guys broke up" to which the man replied "Neither did I til 3 days before she left for Vegas...the second time". Needless to say at this point I start paying attention. "So who is this guy" the cashier, who is now attending to my purchases, asks and to my delight the story gets better, apparently, "he lived with her when she was 13 and he was 17, then her dad kicked him out of the house. Then she had some relationships, had some kids and then she got with me" Me being the guy talking to the cashier obviously. How casually this was all said can not be understated. The last nugget of hilarity to greet my ears was "I mean I understand why she left, I still think its wrong, but I made my fair share of trouble, I threw chairs, ya know" and then came possibly my favorite quote of them all "I participated in the dysfunction" Unfortunately I had to leave at this point to go eat the lunch I had come to High's for, but needless to say it was much more difficult to eat with all the laughing.

Bruschetta King

2008-08-18T23:27:00.002-04:00

In my many travels over the last few weeks I was lucky enough to use a Burger King bathroom for a pitstop. While washing my hands I noticed a piece of artwork on the door. It was a stereotypical italian chef holding a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. Personally this made absolutly no sense. I was told that the picture in the same spot in the womens bathroom was of a bunch of babies throwing toilet paper everywhere. Creepy, yes. Out of place, no. I'm not entirely sure why that picture was there nor will I ever know as I dont remember the exact location of this Burger King but I have a couple guesses as to why it was there. Either the owner once owned, wants to at some point own, or thought he was going to own an Italian resturant. Or it was dirt cheap. Neither is a decent excuse but they would at least explain it.

Steve Holt!

2008-08-07T23:29:00.003-04:00

In addition to being a hilarious arrested development character Steve Holt is also a Canadian vegetarian bodybuilder....yup thats pretty much it as you can't make up stuff like that.

The Game of Politics

2008-08-07T23:02:00.002-04:00

Do you think in the history of the world a group of nazis have ever played Yahtzee? Just a thought that crossed my mind the other day. I am a personal believer in the sentiment that 'it had to have happened once'. And I will go as far as to say that when it did happen one of the nazis playing the game made a joke to the effect of "hey look its nazis playin yahtzee" or something of the like.

Having now researched the history of Yahtzee to see if the Hitler Nazis could have played I have learned commercial Yahtzee was created in 1956 while dice games of very similar rules but different names are much older one being called Yacht being traced back to 1940. So Hitler never used the words Yahtzee and nazi in the same sentence but i mean there are still nazis so it totally could have happened.

Puttin' the porta in porta-potty

2008-07-28T23:45:00.002-04:00

Everyone has seen a row or ten of convicts picking up trash on the highway in their day. Always making you think "my isn't it grand how the government can make those 'people' productive". But something being carted behind them on a trailer bothered me a little. Bumpin' down the median at 4 mph was a porta-potty. Is that really necessary? How much money could be saved if we eliminated this poop pod? First of all the truck towing it would use less gas, the trailer could prolly be eliminated completely if they just threw all the weed whackers and those sticks with nails on the end in the back of the truck. Secondly you would save on the cost of buying/renting the thing and all the maintainance costs. But Chris where are they gonna go to the bathroom? Well the simple answer is if ya gotta go number one just go under the truck, and if ya gotta go number two i suggest you hold it. Thats how I imagine the guard saying it. But Chris what about the girls? All i know is I've never seen a female on one of these crews so my plan doesnt account for them, and regardless chances are the kinda lady in that situation wouldn't be too put off by goin' to the bathroom outside.

The Art of the Olympiad

2008-07-23T22:37:00.005-04:00

Was anyone else aware that from 1912 to 1948 Olympic medals were awarded for art? I had no real qualms with this until I began looking at the medal winners. Lets take the 1924 games for example. In the category of literature a Frenchman takes the gold, okay fair 'nuff hometown pick but whatever. Then the silver goes to a Dane and a Brit, wait two people cant win a medal! Then the bronze goes to both an Irishman and another Frenchie. So what did these people tell their families?
Oliver Gogarty- Hey pops! I came in fifth at the olympics
Ole Patty Gogarty- Well congradafrigginlations not even the guy infront of you actually won anything, grab a stool and a pint and quit braggin' about nothin
Oliver- Pops, I got a bronze medal
Ole Patty- Now that dont make a lick a sense, thats the last time we let the French run the Olympics. (Old man Gogarty would later die a happy man when he saw Paris' bid for the 2012 games fall just short) Barkeep get my boy a pint on me. What did you win that in son? 100 meters? Javelin?
Oliver- Literature pops
Ole Patty- Literature! Damn French.... bring me two pints and three fingers a whiskey

As if giving out more than one of each medal in a subjectively judged competition isnt bad enough, in the category of architecture there was no gold medal!
How yuppie do you have to be to just decide "You know what, I dont think anyone deserves the gold, we can have a 'winner' but just give them the silver, we'll melt down the gold and make it into halos we can where about." And in 1920 the only medal awarded for architecture was a silver! All I can say is thank goodness this yuppifest ended in 1948.

Form follows function

2008-07-15T22:40:00.002-04:00

If it were at all fashionable for a man to carry a purse, I wouldn't leave home without one. My pockets are constantly full of stuff from car keys to pocket change to army men. Not to mention the cell phone thing. The more research thats done on them, the farther i want them away from my fellas. Plus I could carry so much more stuff around with me from my emergency packet of old bay to more army men to i dunno maybe some kind of noise makers? That purse or man's bag if you will, would be a regular bag of fun. More fun than my pockets could ever be even if I were wearing cargo pants. Plus with a bag full of all your stuff you dont have to switch said stuff from one pair of pants to another. I'm not really sure how to make such a bag fashionable but I'll support it when it happens. No homo

Rescue 911

2008-07-09T22:30:00.002-04:00

Things I feared as a child because I saw them on the TV show Rescue 911

House filling with Carbon Monoxide, You can't tell its there!
Accidently inhaling too much glue
Falling in the laundry chute and getting stuck
Getting my tounge stuck to the inside of the freezer
Having a snake crawl up through the toilet while I am on it, wait now that I think about it I think that was an episode of MacGyver

The Three Stooges vs. The US Government

2008-07-08T23:17:00.003-04:00

The highlights of my eighth grade report comparing the three stooges to the three branches of United States government

Moe- The executive branch as he is the leader

Larry- The Judicial branch because Supreme Court Justicies serve for life as did Larry as a stooge

Shemp and Curly- The Legislative branch as the senate and house split that role just as Shemp and Curly shared the role of the third stooge (I would later in my life learn there were infact more "third stooges" including Joe and Joe Curly)

Constitution
The stooges sense of humor is their constitution as it is what holds them together

Similarities
The government has a system of checks and balances as do the stooges (hitting each other)

Differences
The stooges have no political motives whatsoever

There was more but it is less funny and more informative thus I shall not repeat it

Seven

2008-07-03T21:52:00.001-04:00

Doing as I often do while bored, I was reading literally random articles on wikipedia when I stubbled upon that of Andre 3000. I was surprised to learn that his child's name is Seven. This naturally made me wonder is he a Mickey Mantle fan or a Seinfeld fan, or I suppose its possible he is both. In trying to determine the answer I found my way onto the page of Erykah Badu where I did not find the answer but did find she has another child named Puma Rose. Dear God. While quite the BA name her fate is sealed as becoming one sassy sassy black lady. With really long purple fingernails and a bitchslap that answers to no one. Im gonna stop imagining this girls future before I wet myself with fear

Whats more fun than a monkey?

2008-07-01T00:21:00.000-04:00

I have always wanted to have a pet monkey, I mean who wouldnt want one. It would be like owning a tiny hairy person who does lots of hilarious things. And how many living creatures only get funnier when you put clothes on them? The answer is not many but monkeys are defintely one of them.

Anyway, I decided to look into renting a monkey for a day. This would free me of the responsiblities of caring for a primate messier than myself while still allowing me to have some fun. We could go for rides in my car, dress him like a cowboy and teach him to ride my dog, have a watermelon eating contest, play catch, man a monkey would be nothing but fun.

Unfortunately being I am a regular person and not some Hollywood type shooting a movie I do not have access to such rent-a-monkey programs. Or at least could not find one on the interweb over the last couple of days. And to buy a monkey its like nine grand! So it appears my dreams of monkey fun wont be fulfilled anytime soon...unless of course the jamaicans hold an answer.

Remember: Mouse Trap

2008-06-29T00:22:00.000-04:00

Mouse trap was always a pretty fun "game". Although I'm pretty sure I played the actual game only once. I don't even remember how it worked, you collected pieces of cheese as you went through the board and somehow you put all the gadgets on the board. And then the object was to get your own mouse caught in the trap? Anyway the game itself was kinda lame but damn was it fun to set up the whole chain reaction of junk. The swinging boot that kicked over a bucket and let a ball zig zag down that blue plank thing, the diver guy that would do a backflip into the pool thing, but he wouldn't quite flip far enough most of the time so you had to go back and reset everything before it. It was so hard to keep track of all the pieces, like 5 different sized balls and wierd structural pieces that when you are a kid you dont care about. And then when you lost one you had to try and find other things you could replace that part with. I'd wager to say that there is not one full set of mouse trap out there today. I mean unless they are making new ones or something which they could be. Either way I'd like to find a bunch of other people with old mouse trap games and see if between us we could assemble the entire thing. Oh Rube Goldberg machines.

Remember: Pogs

2008-06-23T23:19:00.000-04:00

Oh pogs, what an amazingly simple yet somehow fun game. For those unfamiliar, pogs are these circular cardboard disks a little bigger than a silver dollar that had a picture on one side while the other side was white. For some reason 8-balls were quite popular. Any way, you and another person mix up your pogs and stack them up picture side down. Then you alternate taking your slammer, a thicker heavier plastic pog, and throwing it against the top of the stack in an attempt to flip the pogs. If you played for keeps, which if you didn’t would trigger comments like “you afraid” or “chicken?” or “what’s the matter? Mommy wont let you?”, whichever pogs you flipped you kept. This of course quickly led to them being banned in school which was kind of a bummer, but it was still a fun game.

The Burger

2008-06-23T21:13:00.000-04:00

Last night I made a pair of the fattest burgers ever. I had made them once before, on the day I came up with the idea for the grease feast. The basic recipe for the burger is to take a beef pattie with pepper jack cheese and top it with a fried chicken breast with buffalo sauce. My oh my was it delicious, I meant to take a picture of it but when you finish constructing such a feast you dont exactly want to run around looking for a camera, you wanna chow down. And chow down I did.

Remember: Tamagotchi

2008-06-18T23:42:00.000-04:00

So today I went to my old house to help my mom go through whatever stuff was deemed not important enough to move over to the new house, but seemingly too important to throw away while also staying not important enough that we would not need to go get it for about 4 years. Needless to say there was a bunch of stuff in my room that sent me on a trip down memory lane. So I shall reminisce about some of them here.

Remember Tamagotchis? Those little keychain pet things you had to take care of or they would die. Yes I had one. It was kinda fun trying to keep it alive for as long as possible and whatnot. I remember cleaning up its poop and stuff was annoying and the fact that you couldnt have one in school meant that for 9 months out of the year there was almost no way it could survive beyond a weekend, but it was more or less enjoyable sort of. Which got me to thinking, does anyone still have a working tamagotchi in the country or the world? Somebody has to have one alive somewhere. I can just picture some 40 year old japanese guy with a hello kitty backpack and a tamagotchi thats pushin 10 years old. And man does he love that thing. It has to have happened once right?

After looking at wikipedia to see if anyone has a live one or if it was even feasible I have now learned that they are still making the things! That is just beyond me.

Nightly Orioles Trivia

2008-06-17T22:45:00.000-04:00

I've become quite annoyed that the Orioles have changed the format of the nightly trivia question. In the past the question would be shown in the second or third inning. An announcer might give a hint, maybe a "I'm pretty sure I know". Then a few innings later they would show the question again the announcers would chime in with their guesses and they'd show the answer.
NOW in the third inning they show the question followed by a two second pause after which Jim Palmer answers the question like that dee bag kid in class who has to make you feel like an idiot anytime he knows something you dont. Then they show the friggin' answer. If I wanted to listen to Jim Palmer spout random crap I wouldnt watch the games with the volume turned way down.
So to all the MASN executives who read my blog please give us at least a couple of outs to try and think of the answer to the trivia question. Thank you.

An approximation of where I've spent my life and what I did

2008-06-14T16:23:00.000-04:00

Yes everything listed here is true although the exact percentages may not be correct but who's counting.

Canada- 0.04%
Niagra Falls- 100%
75%- Seeing the sights
25%- Gambling

United States- 99.96%

Colorado- 0.05%
33%- Seeing the sights
33%- Wandering the Denver airport
33%- Sleeping on the floors of junior colleges

New Mexico- 0.22%
99%- Camping, Hiking, Backpacking
1%- Eating at steakhouses

South Carolina- 0.04%
90%- Living on an aircraft carrier
10%- Exploring Fort Sumpter

New York- 0.1%
3%- Watching the Orioles beat the Yankees
20%- Wandering the streets of New York City
6%- Wandering the streets of Cooperstown
6%- Exploring the Baseball hall of fame
7%- Killing time in hotel rooms
10%- Riding in a car
5%- Riding the subway
34%- Sleeping
5%- Eatin' pizza
1%- Trying to find the correct Chinatown bus
1%- Playing putt-putt
1%- Eating at steakhouses

Pennsylvania- 0.1%
45%- Hershey Park
7%- Driving through it
40%- In Coopersburg for some reason
7%- Watching Maryland football beat the snot out of Temple in the rain
1%- Eatin' cheesesteaks

Virginia- 0.2%
38%- Hangin' out in Virginia beach
12%- Driving through it
2%- Watching a Norfolk Tides game
5%- Eating at Cracker Barrel
37%- Camping
3%- Moving my sister in at JMU
1%- Playing putt-putt
1%- Eating at steakhouses

North Carolina- 1.3%
1%- Watching Maryland football beat UNC in overtime
3%- Watching Maryland soccer play in the ACC tourney in Cary
1%- Watching Maryland soccer win a National Championship in Cary
2%- Packing/Unpacking the car
3%- Seeing the sights
33%- Sleeping (either in bunkbeds or on the floor)
18%- Loungin on the beach
25%- Doing lord knows what in the Outer Banks
6%- Playing wiffleball
2%- Watching the Outer Banks Daredevils
4%- Ridin' bikes
1%-Eating Carolina pork BBQ
1%- Playing putt-putt

Delaware-0.04%
4%- Getting Fishers popcorn
4%- Getting Candy Kitchen
0%- Paying Sales tax
12%- Waterslidin'
25%- Loungin' at the beach
8%- Hangin' around Bethany
4%- Hangin' around Rehobeth
31%- Sleeping in those two places
8%- Trying to find stuff for scavenger hunts
1%- Watching that soccer game where that girl took her shirt off, why this is such a distinct memory I do not know, its the moon landing of my puberty I guess
3%- Playing putt-putt

Maryland- 97.95%
10%- Being a baby
9%- Sitting in School
33%-Sleeping
2%- Going to Ocean City
2%- Going to Deep Creek
1%- Going to Orioles games
1%- Going to Frederick Keys games
1%- Going to Bowie Baysox games
1%- Going to Terps games
1%- Going to Other sporting events
18%- Eeking my way through college
19%- Being completely and entirely unproductive
1%- Playing putt-putt
1%- Eating at steakhouses